I Need You

Kira-kira seminggu lalu sebatang kayu yang lumayan berat terjatuh dari atas lemari ketika saya sedang menarik sebuah kardus. Saya tidak tahu kalau ada batang kayu di atas lemari itu. Akibatnya ketika saya menarik kardus, batang kayu itu terdorong oleh kardus, melayang jatuh dan tepat mendarat di atas kaki kanan saya.

About a week ago a quite heavy piece of wood fell from a cupboard when I was trying to take down a box on it. I didn’t know there was a piece of wood on it. So when I pulled down the box, the wood fell off the cupboard and landed on my right foot.

Awwwwwwww!!!!!

Gila, sakit banget!

Man, it hurt like hell!

Dalam hati saja saya berteriak ‘Awww’ panjang itu. Sambil memaki-maki diri sendiri.

I screamed that long ‘Awww’ just in my mind. Along with cursing at myself.

Goblok.. Goblok.. Goblok..

Idiot... Idiot.. Idiot..

Kenapa tadi tidak naik ke kursi saja? Kalau begitu kan pasti saya lihat batang kayu sialan itu. Tapi karena malas menggeret kursi dan malas naik turun kursi, yah, jadi begini deh hasilnya.

Why didn’t I take the chair? I would see that darn piece of wood. But I was too lazy to take the chair and too lazy as well to get on and off it, so, yeah, this the result.

Saya duduk dan memijat-mijat bagian yang tertimpa kayu itu. Duh, kaki sayang, malang benar nasibmu hari ini. Sebentar saja sudah terasa bengkak. Wah, jangankan kena benturan keras oleh benda berat seperti itu, terbentur sedikit saja sudah jadi biru.

I sat and massaged the part which being struck by that piece of wood. Poor, foot, how unfortunate you are today. I could feel it swelled. The light bump can make it bruised and the skin turns blue, purple. What would a big blow like the one I just had do to it?

the spot covered by the
hand is the one that hit
by that piece of wood

Sampai di rumah, kaki itu sudah bengkak. Ayah saya memijatinya. Dan malam itu saya tidur lebih awal. Keesokan harinya bengkaknya sudah sangat jauh berkurang.

My foot really swelled by the time I got home. My father massaged it. And I went to bed early that night. The next day most of the swollen was almost gone.

Tapi pulang dari kantor, kaki saya kembali bengkak. Rasanya ngilu. Saya berharap ayah saya bisa memijatnya lagi dan saya akan tidur cepat seperti malam sebelumnya supaya kaki saya bisa beristirahat lebih lama.

But when I got home from work, it was swollen again. It hurt too. I was hoping my father would massage it again and I would go to bed early like the night before to give my foot longer time to rest.

Harapan tinggal harapan..

It was just a wish..

Malam itu ibu saya tiba-tiba merasa tidak enak badan. Jadi perhatian ayah saya otomatis terfokus pada ibu saya. Dan dalam sikon seperti itu, mana ada ruang untuk masalah atau keluhan lain. Jadi siapa yang akan peduli dengan kaki bengkak saya?

That night my mother felt unwell. My father’s attention automatically switched to her. At that kind of situation, there would be no room for other problem. So who would care about my swollen foot?

Yah, saya memang harus bisa mengerti.. mengalah.. toh apalah artinya kaki yang bengkak dan biru bila dibandingkan dengan jantung yang berdebar-debar atau sesak napas.

Yeah, I had to have a broad understanding.. let the priority goes first.. beside, what is a swollen and bluish foot compare to a heart that beats un-normally or breathing problem.

Saya tetap pergi tidur lebih awal malam itu. Tapi dalam kamar tidur, saya tidak langsung tidur. Sendirian saya mengoleskan balsam dan memijiti kaki kanan yang bengkak itu. Capek, kesal, kesepian, cemas dan merasa kaki itu nyut-nyut membuat saya akhirnya membaringkan badan.

I went to bed early that night. But in the bedroom, I didn’t go to sleep right away. I applied balsam (ointment made from herbs) and massaged my swollen right foot. Exhausted, upset, lonely, worried and feeling gnawing pain made me lied down on the bed.

Ada saat-saat dimana saya merasa membutuhkan kehadiran orang tua saya, seperti seorang anak kecil yang gelisah atau sedang sakit, ingin di bujuk, di perhatikan, di sayang. Tapi semakin orang tua saya bertambah usia, semakin mereka tidak dapat melakukan hal itu.

There were times when I needed my parents presence as if I were just a little child who was restless or unwell, wanting to be soothed, cared for and being loved. But the older my parents get, the less they are able to give that to me.

Saya kira seorang anak tetaplah anak. Tidak peduli dia sudah menjadi dewasa, sudah menikah, sudah berkeluarga, menjadi lebih tinggi atau kuat dari orangtuanya, tapi akan datang saat-saat ketika dia merasa membutuhkan orangtua yang dapat memberinya rasa aman dan nyaman.

I think a child will always be a child. No matter he/she has grown old, has settled down and has his/her own family, getting taller or stronger than his/her parents but came the times when he/she needs parents who can give them the feeling of security and comfort.

Kalau saja Andre belum pulang ke negerinya, saya pasti akan menginap dirumahnya. Dia seperti ayah kedua bagi saya. Beda umur kami hanya 5 tahun tapi dia berprilaku seakan dia lebih tua 20 tahun dari saya.

If only Andre hasn’t returned to his country, I would definitely stay at his place. He is like a second father to me. We are just 5 years apart but his attitude makes it feel as if he were 20 years older than me.

Tapi malam itu Andre tidak ada. Saya sendirian di kamar. Saya berbaring dan menangis sampai rupanya saya tertidur. Entah jam berapa saya tiba-tiba terbangun. Dalam gelap, saya meraba-raba kaki saya dan lega merasakan sakit ngilu nyut-nyutnya hilang serta bengkaknya mengecil.

But there was no Andre that night. I was alone in my bedroom. I lied down and cried until I fell to sleep. I didn’t know what time was it when I woke up. In the dark, I checked on my foot. Glad I felt no gnawing pain and it seemed the swollen has ceased.

Besok paginya saya bangun. Kaki saya sudah lebih baik. Begitu juga perasaan saya. Malah rasanya saya malu memikirkan semalam saya menangis sampai tertidur. Cengeng betul. Hehe. Saya bukan orang yang mudah meneteskan air mata jadi semalam itu entah kenapa kok saya jadi mellow seperti itu.

The next morning I got up feeling better, the foot was doing better as well. I was ashamed to think that last night I cried myself to sleep. So sissy. Lol. I am not the kind of person who shed tears easily so something must really got into me to turn me so mellow like that.

Tapi yang saya alami ini semakin meyakinkan saya untuk tidak memiliki anak. Saya takut saya tidak bisa memberikan rasa aman dan nyaman tepat di saat anak itu sedang sangat membutuhkannya.

But what I just went through convinced me more of not having any child. I just don’t want to be unable to give the feeling of security and comfort at the time when the child desperately needed.

Saya tidak mau membuat anak itu menangis karena membutuhkan saya tapi saya tidak bisa memberikan apa yang dia butuhkan walau secara jasmani saya berada didekatnya.

I don’t want to make that child cry because I can’t give him/her what he/she needs though I were present.