The Bathroom

Fungsinya memang sederhana tapi ternyata kamar mandi punya seribu satu cerita mulai dari yang lucu sampai ke yang menakutkan.

Despite its simple function, bathroom has infact a thousand and one stories from the funny ones up to the scariest.

Hari Senin (1/7) sore ketika saya dan Andre sedang dalam perjalanan menuju Tasikmalaya tiba-tiba saja perut saya tidak mau di ajak kompromi. Mules. Gawat.

On Monday (July 1^st) afternoon Andre and I were on the way to Tasikmalaya when I had this stomachache. Darn.

Pencernaan saya memang agak terganggu dari hari Jumat (28/6). Seharian itu saya diare sampai saya sempat senewen juga karena hari Sabtu saya sudah berjanji pada ‘adik’ saya untuk datang menghadiri acara syukuran menjelang pernikahannya.

I had a diarrhea on Friday (June 28^th). For one full day. Made me quite nervous thinking I had promised my ‘brother’ to attend his wedding shower.

Untungnya hari Sabtu dan Minggu, perut saya berhasil dinormalkan, yah, belum waras benar tapi lumayanlah dia tidak mengganggu aktivitas saya.

Luckily my stomach was got better so I could do every activity on Saturday and Sunday. Not completely healed but at least it was almost normal.

Dasar saya badung, baru berasa perut agak enakan, di rumah ‘adik’ saya dihidangkan lumpia goreng dengan bumbu kacang yang tentunya agak-agak pedas. Rasanya sih.. hmmm… tapi sempat kebat kebit juga hati saya mikir perut bakal protes atau tidak ya.. hehe..

Well, me and my ‘what the heck’ impulsive drive made me just had a go for the fried dumplings and its nuts sauce that was a bit spicy. It tasted…mmm.. yummy.. but I was also a bit nervous thinking what would it do to my stomach. Lol.

Yah, malamnya saya sedikit diare. Apa itu bikin saya kapok? Awalnya. Tapi besoknya ‘adik’ saya membagi bekal makan siangnya. Dan semua lauknya pedas. Oh, saya maju tak gentar saja. Soalnya enak sih… hehe..

Yep, I was a little diarrhea at night. Would it teach me a lesson? At first. But the next day my ‘brother’ shared me his lunch. And all of the dish was spicy. Oh, what the heck, I went for it anyway. It tasted good… lol..

Saya tidak bilang apa-apa ke Andre. Kami sudah membuat rencana untuk pergi jalan-jalan dan saya tidak mau mengacaukannya. Jadi ketika Andre bertanya bagaimana keadaan perut saya, saya jawab sudah lebih baikan. Tidak ada yang perlu dikhawatirkan. Toh, obat kan bisa tetap di bawa.

I said nothing to Andre. We have planned to go travelling and I didn’t want to ruin it. So when he asked how my stomach was doing, I told him it was getting better. Don’t worry. We would still bring the medicine.

Memang sih awalnya semua baik-baik saja. Tapi ditengah jalan, perut saya mules minta ampun. Gawatnya lagi, hari sudah malam karena kami start dari Bogor sudah di atas jam 6 sore. Dan daerah yang kami lewati termasuk jalur sepi. Waduh, mau numpang boker dimana nih? Hehe.

Everything went well. Until I had a bad stomachache. The worst thing is it was kind a late because we left Bogor after 6 pm. The road we drove by was quiet. Now where would we find a place for me to go poop? Lol.

Konyolnya lagi, dalam keadaan demikian masih sempat juga kami berdua berdebat dan saling ledek.

Funny thing is at that critical moment we could find time to argue and joked at each other.

“Aduh, say, berhenti aja dulu deh di pinggir jalan” saya takut saya buang hajat di celana nantinya. Hehe.

“Damn it, hun, just pull over” I bent my body, thinking I would poop my pants. Lol.

“Masa kamu mau b.a.b. di situ?” Andre menunjuk sisi jalan yang gelap dan rimbun oleh pepohonan “Kalau ada ular, gimana hayo?”

“Don’t tell me you want to poop there” Andre pointed at the side of the road that dark and trees “There could be snakes”

“Lah, kan ada kamu”

“I’ve got you”

“Kalau ada ular, saya kabur duluan” Andre ngakak.

“I would run off if there were snake” Andre laughed.

“Yah, buat apa dong saya bawa-bawa kamu”

“So what good are you to me then”

“Tenang, say, saya adalah ksatria kamu yang sekarang lagi berusaha cari tempat aman buat kamu boker”

“Chill out, hun, I am your shining armour looking for a safe place for you to poop”

Saya pun ngakak mendengarnya.

I burst out my laugh.

Akhirnya Andre menepikan mobil di depan sebuah rumah. Saya tidak sempat berpikir lagi karena perut saya sudah terlalu mules, haduh, sampai keluar keringat dingin. Jalan saja sampai harus dipegangi Andre.

Finally Andre pulled over the car infront of a house. I could not think straight, overcome by stomachache, it made me had cold sweat. Andre had to help me walk.

Setiap kali saya teringat pada ekspresi muka bapak yang punya rumah saat dia membuka pintu dan melihat kami berdua, saya pasti akan tertawa. Mukanya kelihatan tampak keheranan. Ya, jelas saja. Malam-malam begitu pintu rumahnya di ketok orang dan begitu di buka yang kelihatan adalah seorang lelaki bule, tinggi, brewokan yang lagi megangin cewe melayu yang berdiri menekuk badan, megangin perut dengan muka meringis menahan sakit.

Everytime I remember that night, I just can not help myself not to laugh because of the look on the owner of that house when he opened the door and saw us. He looked so puzzled. Well, yeah, no wonder. Someone knocked his door late in the evening and when he opened it there was a tall bearded white man holding up an Asian woman who bent her body, holding her stomach with a face clearly shown she was in pain.

  

“Malam, boleh pinjam kamar mandinya?” tanya Andre langsung dalam bahasa Inggris.

“Evening, could we use the bathroom?” greeted Andre spontaneously in English.

Melihat muka si bapak kebingungan, Andre baru sadar dia pasti tidak mengerti apa yang baru saja dikatakannya.

Seeing the blank look on the house owner’s face made Andre realized that the man didn’t understand what he was saying.

“Wese” Andre mengucapkan kata itu dengan lidah Amerikanya. Maksudnya WC.

“Wese” Andre said that Indonesian word with his American accent. He meant WC; toilet.

“Pak, saya lagi buang-buang air. Punten, maaf, boleh ke kamar mandi?” sambar saya.

“Sir, I am terribly sorry, I am having diarrhea. Could I use your bathroom?” I quickly snapped.

Si bapak yang punya rumah baru mengerti “ya, ya, boleh, sini, nak, kamar mandinya dibelakang sini”

The man understood and quickly led us in the house “yes, yes, you may, this way, child, the bathroom is in the back of the house”

Selamatlah saya, perut saya dan celana saya tentunya. Hehe. Tapi ketika akan mengambil gayung untuk menciduk air dari bak mandi, saya melihat sesuatu berkelebat di dalam air. Saya sampai diam sejenak karena kaget. Apa itu ya? Penerangan dalam kamar mandi itu rada remang-remang dan mata saya kan minus empat jadi saya harus berkonsentrasi mengamati air di bak mandi itu.

Wheew, I was saved, so did my stomach and my pants. Lol. But when I was about to take some water from the bathtub using the waterscoop, I saw something moved in the water. I stunned for a few seconds. What was that? The light in the bathroom was blur and I am far sighted so I had to focus my eyes watching the water in the bathroom.

Benda hitam yang bergerak di dalam air itu muncul ke permukaan air dan saya baru menyadari bahwa di dalam bak mandi itu ternyata ada ikannya. Bukan hanya seekor pula.

The moving dark shadow in the bathtub came to the surface and I realized it was a fish. There were few in there actually.

Saya tidak heran karena sekian puluh tahun yang lalu, tepatnya ketika saya masih sekolah di SD, saya punya teman yang bak mandinya juga ditaruh ikan. Katanya untuk makan jentik nyamuk. Tapi saya tidak bisa membayangkan apa para penghuni rumah mandi, cebok dan mencuci memakai air di bak mandi itu. Airnya kan berlendir dan berbau amis.

It was not surprised me because years ago or to be precise, when I was in secondary school, I had a friend whose bathtub was also put some fish to eat mosquito larvae, though I couldn’t imagine they use the water to take a bath or washing. The water was slimy and smell like fish.

Nah, selesai saya buang hajat, ganti Andre yang masuk karena ingin pipis. Saya lupa memberitahunya tentang ikan di dalam bak mandi. Jadi saya ngakak ketika kami sudah berada kembali di dalam mobil, dia mendadak berkata,

Now after I was done, Andre went there to pee. I didn’t tell him about the fishes in the bathtub. So I laughed it loudly when once we got in the car, he suddenly said,

“Ada ikan di dalam bak mandinya”

“There are fishes in the bathtub”

“Kamu tahu? Kok ga bilang?” dia protes ketika mendengar saya tertawa demikian keras.

“You knew? Why didn’t you tell me?” he protested when he heard me laughed so loud.

“Saya lupa. Sori”

“I forgot. Sorry”

“Kamu ga cebok pake air itu kan” dia tertawa.

“Don’t tell me you wash your ass with that water”he laughed.

“Ya, ga lah” saya nyengir “pantat gue bisa gatal-gatal nanti. Ini aja rasanya juga tidak enak karena cuma di lap pake tisu basah. Minggir dulu deh. Cebokan dulu”

“Of course not” I grinned “I would have my ass has itch all over of it. This already feel itch because I just wiped it with sanitary tissue. Pull over. I need to wash it again”

Jadilah Andre menepikan mobil. Saya turun dan cebokan dengan air mineral serta sabun, gelap-gelapan, di antara rimbunnya semak dan pepohonan, diiringi suara jangkrik dan kodok. Hebat… hehe.. dan selama itu pula saya mendengar suara Andre tertawa. Dia kelucuan banget mengingat kejadian-kejadian yang baru saja terjadi.

So Andre pulled the car. I got off and washed my ass with mineral water dan handsoap, in the dark, under the bushes and trees, hearing the singing cricket and frog. One hell of a night indeed.. lol.. and all the time I heard Andre laughed the whole thing off.

Itu pengalaman dengan kamar mandi yang lucu. Yang menyeramkan ada lagi dan ini saya alami saat saya berlibur ke Jogja bersama rekan-rekan sekantor tahun 2000.

So that is the funny experience with bathroom. I have the spooky one when I was vacationing with my colleagues to Jogjakarta, west Java in 2000.

Malam itu kami pergi makan di restoran hotel mewah tempat kami menginap. Nah, selesai makan, kami kongkow-kongkow dulu sambil minum-minum. Sampai akhirnya saya kebelet pipis. Jadi pergilah saya ke toiletnya. Sendirian.

That evening we had dinner in the restaurant of the fancy hotel where we were staying. So, after dinner, we had few drinks. Until it made me wanted to pee. I went to the toilet. Alone. 

Javanese traditional musical instrument

Begitu masuk, ada rasa tidak enak di hati saya. Padahal toiletnya bagus, wangi, bersih dan terdengar lagu gending Jawa. Tapi kok bulu kuduk saya berdiri dan rasanya seperti ada sesuatu di ruangan itu. Tapi berhubung kebelet pipis banget, ya, apa boleh buat, masa saya harus keluar lagi sih?

Once I entered it, I felt something was not right. The toilet was nice, smelled good, clean and there was sound of Javanese traditional musical instrument playing in the background. But I had ghost bumps and sensed a presence of something in there. But I needed to pee so badly so what choice did I have?

Saya tidak berkata apa pun tentang perasaan saya ketika berada di toilet itu. Saya bukan orang penakut dan juga skeptis buat hal supranatural. Lagian buat apa saya bikin yang lain takut karena hal-hal yang mungkin cuma saya aja yang berasa. So saya kaget ketika kemudian mendengar teman-teman saya bercerita tentang rasa yang sama ketika mereka pergi pipis di toilet itu.

I didn’t say anything though. I am not easily spook and am also a skeptic toward supernatural stuff. Beside, it was no use to make the others scared over the things which might only sensed by me. Thus, I was surprised when I heard my friends said they had the same feelings when they were in that toilet.

Gara-gara peristiwa itu akhirnya tidak ada seorang pun dari kami yang mau masuk lagi ke toilet itu biar pun sudah kebelet banget. Lebih baik kami lari terbirit-birit ke kamar mandi yang ada di kamar kami sendiri. Hehe.

That made none us wanted to get in there though we really needed to go pee. We would rather ran to the bathroom in our rooms. Lol.

Pengalaman unik dengan kamar mandi terjadi ketika saya menginap di rumah ibu Yayah. Air yang mengalir ke bak mandinya datang dari mata air di gunung. Air berlimpah-limpah sampai terbuang. Jernih. Bersih. Dan dinginnya seperti air kulkas. Saya mandi sambil melompat-lompat kecil karena menggigil kedinginan.

My other unique experience regarding bathroom is when I spent a night at Mrs. Yayah’s house. They get plenty of water from the mountain. It was so clean and freezing like ice water. I jumped out in chill when I took a bath.

Kp. Sampireun

Ada kamar mandi yang bisa bikin kita betah berlama-lama didalamnya. Misalnya saja kamar mandi di hotel, apartemen, mall, penginapan atau rumah sewaan.

There are bathrooms that make us feel comfortable to stay in there for hours, such as those in hotels, apartments, malls, motels or rented houses.

Tapi ada juga kamar mandi yang bisa bikin kita kehilangan selera untuk berada didalamnya. Bahkan sekali pernah saya sampai tidak jadi pipis begitu masuk dan melihat keadaan kamar mandinya berpenerangan samar, ubinnya hitam dan klosetnya juga berwarna hitam sampai saya tidak tahu apakah itu kotoran atau lapisan luar kloset yang sudah terkelupas. Wek! Saya sampai merasa ingin muntah padahal saya bukan orang yang jijikan.

But there are bathrooms that make us lost our moods to stay in there. I once lost the urge to pee when I got in a bathroom and saw the light in there was blur, the floor was black, so was the watercloset. Yuck! I felt like throwing up and I am not a person who easily feels sick.

Kamar mandi paling enak menurut penilaian kita masing-masing ya tentunya adalah kamar mandi di rumah sendiri. Tapi kalau punya kamar mandi seperti itu di rumah, wah, mending sih diperbaiki.

The nicest bathroom according to our own judgement is surely the one we have in our own house. But if we have that kind of bathroom, gosh, it should be renovated.

Kamar mandi di rumah saya adalah hasil renovasi setelah lantainya ambruk. Entah bagaimana ceritanya BTN membangun rumah kok sekian tahun kemudian lantai kamar mandi bisa amblas. Yah, terpaksalah harus direnovasi. Dan waktu itu saya masih bekerja sebagai guru TK yang gajinya serba mepet. Jadi semua serba di beli nyicil. Bulan ini beli keramik lantai, bulan berikut beli keramik dinding, bulan berikutnya lagi beli klosetnya dan yang terakhir beli cat tembok, pipa-pipa, semen serta pasir. 

My bathroom at home had to be renovated after the floor tumbled down. I have no idea how the developer built the house that after some years later things like that could happen. Well, we had to renovate it and at that time I was working as an under paid kindergarten teacher so I bought all the materials not all at once. For example, if this month I bought the floor ceramic, the following month I bought the wall ceramic, the next following month I bought the water closet and the last ones were the paint, pipes, cement and sand.