Greetings dear readers / salam buat para pembaca

Knowing that I say it better in writing, and I do love writing, I decided to write my experiences and thoughts in this blog so this is my e-diary.

Don't speak Indonesian? No need to worry, it is written both in Indonesian and in English.

Happy Reading, everybody !

Buat saya mengungkapkan isi hati dan pemikiran lebih gampang dilakukan dalam bentuk tulisan dan karena saya juga senang menulis, saya memutuskan menulis hal-hal yang saya alami dan yang ada dalam pikiran saya dalam blog ini.

Untuk yang tidak bisa berbahasa Indonesia, jangan khawatir, blog ini saya tulis dalam bahasa Indonesia dan Inggris.

Selamat membaca !

Saturday, May 31, 2014

A Little Heart For You

I have never expected to have somebody like you. But here you are and you have been in my life for three years now.

I wasn’t aware of your being until your kindness got my attention. Your friendship meant so much to me and it still is.

You stood by my side when no one else did. You have faith in me from the start. You rescued me when I was nearly drowned. You made me smile and laugh. Your patience soothed and tamed the evil in me.

You make me feel warm, loved, appreciated, safe and secure. Only few people can make me feel this way and they are special people just as you are to me.

Inch by inch.. you got into my heart.

It was friendship, I told myself. You are a friend, a mentor and at times you are even like a father to me.

I have all my respect, admiration and appreciation for you.

What I didn’t expect is you made me fell for you.

In these three years I thought the feelings was mutual. I wasn’t born yesterday, you know. I could tell if a man likes me more than just a friend.

Well, it seemed we both enjoyed the feelings. We certainly couldn’t resist it.

And it felt so good. However, it took me some time to realized it was probably love. So, I have loved you as a friend, as a mentor and as a father figure. But there was another love that came later.

The kind of love that I should never let it entered or be in my heart.

But I let you in, I allowed you to swarm me with your attention, I was delighted, I knew I am a special person to you and I held a special place in your heart.

I was so overwhelmed by you that in the past year it ruined my relationship with Andre.

Yes, you and I don’t belong to each other. I am with Andre and you with your partner. But I thought our feelings wouldn’t hurt anybody as long as we could control it.

It took some time for Andre to realize he wasn’t the only man in my heart. And I knew your partner had her suspicion too. I never wanted to hurt none of them so I kept this thing low profiled. Though later I admitted to Andre that I fell for other man, I keep your identity a secret.

It isn’t like you and I have crossed the line anyway. We never go on a date. We appear to be just like two buddies. It may have fooled people though if they looked closely they would see there were words or gestures that could indicate we had something more than just being buddies.

I told Andre I wanted a break up. It is not to free myself from him to go after you. I never have the intention to break your relationship with your partner. If you want to do so, it should be your own decision. I never ask nor persuade you to do so.

I wanted to break up from Andre because I feel bad for being unfaithful to him and I just wanted to be fair. I have hurt him and he has every right to leave me.

He prefers to keep the relationship though this month we agreed to put it in cooling down mode.

Now I don’t know whether it is his wishes for me to come to my senses that come true or is it because time has come for me to come to my senses or was it your foolishness that opened my eyes..

Last Saturday we met and your gestures, your moves, your face showed me how you were happy to meet me and it was not the kind of happiness to meet a friend. All too clear for me. It is why I just couldn’t understand when I heard you talking about going to celebrate your anniversary with your partner.

I mean, sorry, I am not Camilla Parker Bowles who willingly spent decades being Prince Charles’s mistress and with whom the prince could share things he did or would do with his late wife.

I never spoke about Andre with you. I never said the things I have done or will do with him. Because when I am with you, it is all just about you and me. I don’t want to offend or displeased you by talking about my boyfriend. I don’t want to upset or make you jealous by giving you indication about the presence of my boyfriend in my life.

Your  feelings matters to me.

Is it because I am a woman that I think like that?

Or is it because I wanted to show you that whenever we are together, you are all that matters to me.

I don't know what made you said what you have said. All I know is I frozed. It stunned me so much, I didn’t know what to say. I just went into total silence.

The hurt came few minutes later..

Did you say it to see my reaction? Did you want to be certain about my feelings to you? Or was it you being totally reckless? Thoughtless? Heartless?

You probably don’t know the impact of your words.

It hurt me deeply. It confuses me. What am I to you? The things you have showed me in these three years meant nothing but friendship? Have I been fooled?

I was so embarrassed. It wounded my pride as well.

I have let you into my heart. I have let you stayed there. I gave it to you.

I was stupid. I was so naive. I trusted you.

Hurt and confused I might be, but I still keep a special place for you in my heart. Your kindness and attention are and will not go countless. I don’t lose my respect, admiration and appreciation for you.

Right now I don’t know what I should do with my heart, the heart I have given you. Should I take it back? Or I just let you have it?

What I know is I turned cold to you for few days. I distance myself from you. We are just friends now, that’s what I keep telling myself but I know I can’t fool myself. I still have this feelings for you. It won’t go away that easy.

Andre and I are renewing our relationship. I thought you should know about this. He thought I have over you and our relationship has just been tested. He still can’t drag me to the aisle, though, for I have not change my mind about making our relationship legalized in marriage.

As for you, happy anniversary to you and your partner. I hope you are happy with her and with the bond you have with her. I just hope none of you fake it.

No comments:

Post a Comment