Yes I Can!

Hari Senin (28/10) rencana awal saya adalah check-up dulu ke ginekolog lalu siangnya pergi menginap di rumah seorang kenalan saya. Hari itu saya mengambil cuti.

My plan for that Monday (Oct 28^th) was to go to my gynecologist for a check-up and then went to an acquaintance’s place in the afternoon as I would spend a night at her place. I took a leave on that day.

Tapi rencana tinggal rencana. Dua hari sebelumnya kenalan saya itu memberitahu dia harus merawat ibunya yang baru sembuh dari sakit typhus.

But that was the plan. Two days prior to Monday, she informed me that she had to nurse her recovering mother who just had typhus.

Kecewa? Banget banget. Tapi mau bilang apa? Masa mau ngomel? Kan tidak seorang pun dari kami yang ingin rencana ini batal. Tidak seorang pun yang bisa disalahkan.

Disappoint? So very much. But what could I say? I couldn’t grumble either. None of us wanted to call off the plan. It was nobody’s fault.

“Mending jalan sama saya aja” kata Andre ketika melihat saya lesu memikirkan rencana yang batal itu.

“Why don’t we go somewhere?” said Andre when he saw me looking so dispirited thinking about the called off plan.

“Hari Senin kan kamu kerja” jawab saya sambil meringkuk di sofa.

“You work on Monday” was my reply as I confined myself to the sofa.

“Kita pergi ke Bandung? Nginap disana aja”

“Go to Bandung? Spend a night there”

“Kamu bolos kerja dong?”

“Skip work?”

“Sekali-sekali boleh kan” dia memeluk saya.

“I can do that once in a while” he hugged me.

Tapi mendadak saya punya ide lain. 

But I had other idea. It just came to me.

“Kamu sms siapa?”

“Who are you texting?”

“Teman lama saya jaman kuliah dulu. Saya ke rumahnya aja deh. Terakhir kali kali ketemu tahun 1998”

“An old friend from college. I am going to her place. The last time I saw her it was in 1998”

Teman saya membalas sms saya. Gembira. Semangat mengetahui saya akan datang dan menginap dirumahnya.

My friend texted me back. Happy. Excited to know I was going to visit and spend a night at her place.

“Kamu tahu rumahnya dimana?” Andre tampak khawatir.

“Do you know where her house is?” Andre looked concern.

“Saya punya alamatnya”

“I have her address”

“Sudah pernah kesitu?”

“Been there before?”

“Belon”

“Nope”

Andre membelalakkan matanya “Tahu jalan kesitu?”

Andre’s eyes were wide opened “Know how to get there?”

“Nggak”

“Nope”

Saya meliriknya sekilas dan tertawa melihat mukanya “Nih, dia kasih petunjuk saya harus naik apa, turun dimana”

I glanced at him and laughed when I saw his face “Here, she just gave me the route and direction where I should take the bus, where I should get off”

“Tapi Jakarta itu lebih luas dari Bogor” dia kelihatan cemas.

“But Jakarta is wider than Bogor” he looked worried.

“Pasti sampe deh disana” kata saya kesal.

“I will get there safely” I said, annoyed.

Dia diam. Menatap saya yang sedang ber-sms-an dengan teman saya itu.

He went quiet. Watching me texting my friend.

“Ada kamar kosong tidak dirumahnya?”

“Does she has a guest room in her house?”

“Dia bilang saya bisa tidur sama anak-anaknya”

“She said I can sleep with her kids”

“Dengan anak-anaknya?! Satu tempat tidur dengan mereka?”

“With her kids?! In a bed with them?”

“Ga masalah kok buat saya”

“It won’t be a problem for me”

“Umur berapa anaknya?”

“How old are her kids?”

Saya menghela napas menahan kesal. Duh, ni orang, cerewet banget sih.. yang mau nginap saya, kok yang repot dia..

I sighed swallowing down my impatience. Geez, noisy guy.. and I am the one who is going to spend a night there..

“Anak-anak tidurnya cenderung lasak. Gimana kamu bisa tidur nantinya?”

“Kids tend to have restless sleep. How can you have a good night sleep?”

“Tidur di lantai”

“Sleep on the floor”

Dia diam lagi. Menyalakan tv. Lega saya jadinya. Perhatiannya pasti teralih.

He went quiet. Turned the tv on. Making me relief. It would distract his attention.

Sekian menit kemudian…

Few minutes later…

“Saya antar saja ya”

“I drive you there, ok”

Yahhhh….

Geeeeezzz…

“Ga usah!” jawab saya “Saya bisa jalan sendiri”

“No need!” I replied him “I can get there by myself”

Saya dengar dia menghela napas panjang.

I heard him took a deep breath.

“Kalau gitu, ini kamu bawa uang. Naik taxi aja” dia merogoh kantongnya, mengambil dompetnya.

“Then take some money. Get a taxi” he took his wallet from his pocket.

“Ga!” tolak saya tegas “Saya punya uang sendiri”

“Nope!” I refused firmly “I have my own money”

Dia menatap saya. Tampak putus asa bercampur kesal.

He stared at me. Looking desperate mixed with upsetness.

Kami saling bertatapan seperti dua ekor banteng yang sedang mengukur kekuatan satu dengan lainnya.

We stared at each other like two bulls measured up the other’s power.

Tapi saya tidak mau mengalah.

But I wouldn’t give in.

Saya harus melakukan perjalanan ini. Saya harus mewujudkan rencana ini. Dengan seluruh tekad saya, kekuatan saya, tenaga saya dan uang saya.

I had to do this trip. I had to bring forth this plan. With all my will, my power, my energy and my money.

Saya punya alasan tersendiri.

I had my reason.

Selama setahun saya dibuat jungkir balik dengan ketidaknormalan hormon yang membuat saya mengalami menstruasi demikian banyak dan nyaris tidak mau berhenti.

For a year I was made to turn upside down by the abnormality in hormone that caused me to have lots of menstruation and nearly unstoppable.

Diagnosa (hormon, mium atau kanker rahim) membuat saya merasa hidup saya nyaris berhenti.

The prognosis (hormone, tumor or uterus cancer) made me felt my life had come to its end.

Setahun saya tenggelam dalam depresi berat walau dari luar penampilan saya tetap ceria-ceria saja.

For a year acute depression caught me though I managed to appear as a happy person.

Setahun saya berjuang melawan badan yang sakit, harapan yang tipis dan depresi yang lebih menakutkan dari penyakit manapun.

For a year I battled the sick body, thin hope and depression that was more scarry than any disease.

Ketika akhirnya saya bisa sembuh.. saya seperti orang yang membenahi rumahnya yang porak poranda setelah di landa badai topan.

When I finally recover.. I am like a person who is putting back the pieces of her house after hurricane attack.

Jadi saat ini saya sedang dalam proses mengumpulkan kembali seluruh kekuatan tubuh, kepercayaan diri, semangat dan kemandirian saya.

So I am in a process of regaining my body’s strength, my self confident, spirit and independency.

Saya harus melakukannya sendiri.

I have to do this by myself.

Saya tahu orang-orang terdekat terlalu amat sangat menyayangi, memperhatikan dan mengkhawatirkan saya. Tapi semua itu tidak menolong saya untuk menjadi orang yang mandiri, punya keyakinan diri yang kokoh dan kuat.

I know those closest with me have so much love, care and worry for me. But it is all not helping me to be independent, have solid faith on myself and be tough.

Dan sudah terlalu lama saya menempatkan diri saya di bawah kepentingan dan keinginan orang lain. Saya mengalah. Saya berkorban banyak. Untuk orang tua saya, untuk Andre, untuk orang-orang lain..

And I have been placing myself under other people’s wishes. I gave in. I made many sacrifice. For my parents, for Andre, for other people..

Sekarang ketika menyangkut kepentingan pribadi, saya akan mengikuti kata hati saya.

Now when it comes to my personal things, I follow my heart.

Ketika saya merasa dorongan kuat dalam hati untuk pergi mengunjungi teman saya, maka itulah yang akan saya lakukan.

When I felt my heart strongly told me to visit my friend, it was exactly what I did.

Saya yakin saya pasti bisa sampai di rumah teman saya itu. Saya harus bisa.

I was certain I could get to my friend’s house. 

Hati saya tidak memberi ruang untuk keraguan, ketakutan atau kecemasan.

My heart gave no room for doubt, fear or worry.

Dia hanya mengatakan kalimat sederhana; Ya saya bisa!

It just said simple sentence; Yes I can!

Titik.

Period.