December Flashback - Christmas

Lost and Happiness

24-25 Desember adalah puncak dari semua kesibukan.

Kebahagiaan saya yang sungguh-sungguh baru muncul setelah semua selesai. Fakta yang menyedihkan. Tapi memang begitulah adanya yang saya rasakan, apalagi dengan hal-hal yang belakangan ini terjadi dalam hidup saya membuat saya kehilangan semua yang pernah saya percayai membuat semua itu tidak lagi memiliki arti bagi saya. Menjadi seorang atheis lebih baik dari pada seorang beragama yang kehilangan kepercayaannya.

Kegembiraan saya pada hari-hari itu hanyalah karena adanya dua emak-emak yang mampu membuat saya mampu melupakan beban di hati dan pikiran. Kami menginap semalam demi menghemat waktu dan tenaga. Sepanjang waktu itu kami tertawa dan saling menertawai satu dengan lainnya. Meledek. Bercanda. Berbagi cerita dan rahasia hati. Melihat bahwa kesusahan yang lain membuat kesusahan pribadi menjadi terasa sangat ringan dan dengan demikian belajar untuk membuang beban jiwa dan berusaha untuk saling menolong.

Kadang tidak mudah untuk bisa memahami orang lain, apalagi ketika diri sendiri sedang dalam keadaan yang sulit untuk bisa di mengerti. Tapi yang saya pelajari adalah kita perlu melupakan diri sendiri dengan cara memahami orang lain. Setiap kali saya memikirkan orang lain, saya lupa dengan segala keruwetan dalam hidup dan pikiran saya.

Andre menelpon saya pada hari Natal. Suaranya yang selalu saya rindukan itu terdengar sangat ceria saat dia bicara pada saya. Lelah dan ngantuk saya langsung hilang jadinya.

“Merry christmas, hun. I will be coming after christmas, I promise”. Selamat natal, sayang. Saya akan datang setelah natal, janji.

Perbedaan waktu antara negeri kami berarti bahwa Natal datang lebih dulu di Indonesia dari pada di Amerika. Jadi ketika dia menelpon itu, di sana dia sedang bersiap-siap menyambut Natal. Dan setiap malam natal dan hari natal dia pasti mengunjungi putranya. Itu sebabnya kami tidak pernah merayakan natal bersama-sama.

“I wanna tell Keke merry christmas” tiba-tiba saya mendengar suara anak lelakinya. Saya mau ngucapin selamat natal ke Keke. Suara tawa Andre terdengar waktu dia berkata,

“Here, Joshua wants to speak to you. He has been nagging me to call you because he wants to wish you a merry christmas”. Nih, Joshua mau ngomong ke kamu. Dia merengek ke saya minta telponin kamu karena dia pengen bilang selamat natal ke kamu.

Saya ikut tertawa. Anak lelaki kecil itu sudah mengetahui siapa saya dan apa hubungan ayahnya dengan saya. Dan saya lega dia bisa menerimanya.

“Hey, Josh. What’s up?”. Hai, Josh. Apa kabar?

“Ok” suara kecil itu menjawab “merry christmas”. Baik. Selamat natal.

“Merry christmas to you too”. Selamat natal juga.

“Dad and I went to buy a christmas tree yesterday”. Saya dan papa beli pohon natal kemarin.

“Really? Is it big?”. Oya? Pohonnya besar?

“No”

“Why not?”. Kok tidak?

“Dad said we can’t get it inside the apartment if it’s too big. Do you have a christmas tree in your house?”. Papa bilang kita tidak bisa masukin ke dalam apartemen kalau pohonnya terlalu besar. Kamu punya pohon natal di rumahmu?

“No”

“Why not?”. Kok tidak?

“Because we already have one at church”. Karena sudah ada satu di gereja.

“You should have one at home too. Like the one we bought”. Harus punya juga dong di rumah. Seperti yang kami beli.

Saya tersenyum sendiri “yeah, maybe I should”. Kayaknya memang harus ya.

“I will tell dad to buy you a christmas tree”. Saya bilangin papa supaya dia belikan kamu pohon natal.

Saya mendengar Andre tertawa dan dia berbisik pada anaknya “tell her what we did to the tree”. Kasih tahu ke Keke itu pohon kita apain.

“What did you do with the tree?” saya bertanya. Pohonnya diapain?

“We decorated it together” jawab Joshua “and dad nearly fell when he tried to put the star”. Kita hias bareng-bareng. Dan papa hampir jatuh waktu dia mau pasang bintangnya.

“He what?!” saya kaget. Papa hampir apa?!

“Well, hun, I tell you this, decorating a tree could be challenging sometimes” Andre yang menjawab sambil tertawa. ‘Yang, kadang-kadang ngedekor pohon natal bisa jadi kerjaan menantang.

“He didn’t fall!” seru Joshua “you should see it”. Papa ga jatuh. Kamu harusnya lihat.

“See what? Your dad didn’t fall or the tree?”. Lihat apa? Papa yang ga jatuh atau pohonnya?

Andre tertawa ngakak.

“The tree, hun” jawabnya. Saya yakin dia pasti sedang nyengir lebar saat itu. Pohonnya dong, ‘yang.

“I wish you were here” celetukan Joshua membuat saya tertegun “why can’t you be here to celebrate christmas with us?”. Seandainya saja kamu ada di sini. Kenapa sih kita tidak bisa merayakan natal bareng-bareng?

“She must work” Andre yang menjawab karena saya tidak berkata apa-apa. Saya tidak menyangka anak itu akan berkata demikian hingga tidak bisa menemukan jawaban. Dia kan kerja.

“You work too but you don’t work on christmas” protes Joshua. Papa juga kerja tapi libur di hari natal.

“Not everybody” jawab saya. Tidak semua orang begitu.

“Yeah, doctors, nurses, police officers, fire fighters are working on christmas” Andre menjelaskan. Ya, dokter, suster, polisi, pemadam kebakaran tetap kerja di hari natal.

“So are you a doctor?” pertanyaan Joshua membuat saya tertawa. Apa kamu dokter?

“No, I am not” kata saya sambil menahan geli. Bukan.

“So why are you working on christmas?”. Kalau gitu kenapa hari natal kamu kerja?

“Because my job is the kind of job that doesn’t allow me to take a day off on christmas”. Karena pekerjaan saya termasuk jenis pekerjaan yang pekerjanya tidak bisa libur di hari natal.

“That’s not fair”. Tidak adil dong.

Saya tersenyum. Adakah yang adil di dunia ini. Tapi bagi seorang anak berusia 5 tahun semuanya masih terlalu hitam dan putih.

“That’s a job” kata saya padanya. Yah, begitulah pekerjaan.

“Well, that sucks” jawabnya spontan. Nyebelin.

Lalu terdengar dia berseru penuh semangat “Maybe we can meet again like we did in Singapore when I was 2 years old”. Gimana kalau kita ketemu lagi kayak waktu kita ketemu di Singapura waktu saya umur 2 tahun.

“That would be great”. Asyik juga tuh.

“I still have the picture”. Saya masih simpan fotonya.

“You do?”. Masih kamu simpan?

“Yeah. Dad will take me there again, right, dad?”. Iya. Papa bakal bawa saya ke sana lagi, iya kan, pa?. Saya mendengar dia bicara pada Andre “and we will go to the zoo, the aquarium and have ice cream again, right, dad? You, mom, Keke and I will go together”. Kita ke kebun binatang, ke akuarium dan makan es krim lagi, ya, pa?. Papa, mama, Keke dan saya pergi barengan.

“Sure we could” jawaban Andre membuat saya tertawa. Bisa aja.

“And how much would that cost you?” tanya saya padanya. Kamu harus keluarin ongkos berapa banyak?

“It’s cheaper to bring you here” dia menjawab sambil tertawa. Lebih murah ongkosin kamu ke sini.

“Yeah, fly Keke to Boston, dad!”. Ya, pa, biar Keke aja yang datang ke Boston. Joshua langsung menyambung penuh semangat membuat ayahnya dan saya spontan ngakak. Dasar anak…

Kami bicara lebih dari satu jam. Bergantian antara saya dan Andre. Lalu dengan Joshua. Kemudian Mary, mantan pacar Andre, ikut bicara sebentar dengan saya. Mengucapkan selamat natal. Saling bertukar kabar. Dia wanita yang ramah. Tapi hubungannya dengan Andre berakhir justru ketika dia mengandung anak dari hasil hubungan mereka. Saya tidak pernah menanyakan apa sebabnya mereka berpisah. Saya tidak ingin ikut campur. Andre hanya mengatakan Joshua baru setahun waktu di bawa pindah oleh Mary ke Boston. Jadi sejak itu pula Andre punya kebiasaan untuk mengunjungi mereka supaya dapat merayakan malam natal dan hari natal bersama dengan mereka. Saya tidak pernah protes.

Berbicara dengan mereka menimbulkan suatu rasa dalam diri saya. Sesuatu yang tidak bisa saya jelaskan. Sesuatu yang membuat saya bisa melupakan diri saya sendiri. Sesuatu yang sangat membahagiakan saya.

“I will be leaving on the 26^th” Andre sekali lagi menegaskan “I will spend a night in Jakarta and the next morning I will be in Bogor. I promise”. Saya berangkat tanggal 26. Nginap semalam di Jakarta dan besoknya ke Bogor. Saya janji.

Dan itulah yang dilakukannya. Kami merayakan natal pada tanggal 30 Desember. Sepulang saya kerja. Kami pergi ke villa temannya di Puncak dan di sana… ya ampun, saya tertawa jadinya, surprise melihat sebuah pohon natal berdiri tegak dengan hiasan indah di ruang duduk, di depannya diletakkan meja makan.

“You didn’t fall when you decorated this, did you?” saya menggodanya. Kamu ga jatuh waktu ngehias ni pohon kan?

“I made sure I wouldn’t fall or otherwise we wouldn’t have christmas dinner now” jawabnya “so, let’s eat”. Ga bakal jatuh dong atau kalau ga, kita ga bisa makan malam bareng buat ngerayain natal. Nah, yuk kita makan.

Kami makan malam di depan pohon itu. Pohon yang di beli sendiri oleh Andre, di dekorasinya sendiri. Lalu dia juga yang masak makanan yang kami makan malam itu. Untung saja dia tidak mengetahui bahwa selama kami makan malam itu saya sebetulnya sedang susah payah menyembunyikan air mata keharuan.

“Merry christmas” Andre membisikkan kata-kata itu sewaktu dia memeluk saya “Everytime I am with you, it feels like christmas”. Setiap kali saya ada bersama kamu, rasanya seperti lagi merayakan hari natal.

“So have a very merry christmas, Andre”. Kalau gitu, selamat hari natal buat kamu, Andre.

Di saat seperti ini waktu seperti berhenti. Persoalan lenyap. Kegalauan hilang.

_________________________________________________________

24-25 December was the peak of all.

I felt happy after the festive was over. Sad but true. The things I had to endure in the past few years have really wiped off every belief I once had. I think being an atheist is much better than a religious person who lost his/her belief.

My happiness on those festive days came from two ladies who could make me forgot my weariness. We spent a night at a vacant room to save energy and time. All the time we were together we hardly stopped laughing, joking and teasing at one another or at oneself. Shared each other’s life story and troubles. Seeing other’s troubles somehow could ease one’s troubled heart and thus learned to cast away the trouble and tried to soothe one another’s feelings.

It’s hard to understand people sometimes. Especially at times when we can’t understand ourselves. But I learned that we need to lost ourselves by understanding other people. you see, whenever I think about other people, I forget my complicated mind and whatever I had to deal with my life.

Andre called me on christmas. His voice, the voice I have missed so much, sounded merry. All my exhaustment and sleepiness were all gone.

“Merry christmas, honey. I will be coming after christmas, I promise”

Living in two different continents meant that there is huge time difference between our countries. So when he made that call he was celebrating christmas eve. He always spends the 24-25 December with his son. It is why we never celebrate those days together.  

“I wanna tell Keke merry christmas” I suddenly heard his son exclaimed. Andre laughed when he spoke to me,

“Here, Joshua wants to speak to you. He has been nagging me to call you because he wants to wish you a merry christmas”

It made me laughed. The boy knows me and well aware of my relationship with his father. He can accept that to my relief.

“Hey, Josh. What’s up?”

“Ok” a little voice replied “merry christmas”

“Merry christmas to you too”

“Dad and I went to buy a christmas tree yesterday”

“Really? Is it big?”

“No”

“Why not?”

“Dad said we can’t get it inside the apartment if it’s too big. Do you have a christmas tree in your house?”

“No”

“Why not?”

“Because we already have one at church”

“You should have one at home too. Like the one we bought”

I smiled to myself “yeah, maybe I should”

“I will tell dad to buy you a christmas tree”

I heard Andre laughed and wishpered to his son “tell her what we did to the tree”

“What did you do with the tree?” I asked.

“We decorated it together” said Joshua “and dad nearly fell when he tried to put the star”

“He what?!”

“Well, hun, I tell you this, decorating a tree could be challenging sometimes” Andre answered that. He laughed it out loud.

“He didn’t fall!” exclaimed Joshua “you should see it”

“See what? Your dad didn’t fall or the tree?”

Andre bursted his laugh.

“The tree, hun” he said. I was sure he said it with a big grin.

“I wish you were here” Joshua unexpected words stunned me “why can’t you be here to celebrate christmas with us?”

“She must work” Andre answered it. I was so surprise by the question that I was speechless.

“You work too but you don’t work on christmas” he protested.

“Not everybody” I replied.

“Yeah, doctors, nurses, police officers, fire fighters are working on christmas” Andre tried to explain.

“So are you a doctor?” Joshua question made me laugh.

“No, I am not” I chuckled.

“So why are you working on christmas?”

“Because my job is the kind of job that doesn’t allow me to take a day off on christmas”

“That’s not fair”

I smiled. Wanna talk about fairness in this world? But for a five year old the world is just very much in black and white.

“That’s a job” that’s all I could tell him.

“Well, that sucks” was his spontaneous respond. A moment later he exclaimed “maybe we can meet again like we did in Singapore when I was 2 years old”

“That would be great”

“I still have the picture”

“You do?”

Sentosa Island, Singapore

“Yeah. Dad will take me there again, right, dad?” I heard him talked to Andre “and we will go to the zoo, the aquarium and have ice cream again, right, dad? You, mom, Keke and I will go together”

“Sure we could” Andre’s replied made me laugh.

“And how much would that cost you?” I asked him.

“It’s cheaper to bring you here” he laughed as he answered my question.

“Yeah, fly Keke to Boston, dad!” Joshua exclaimed excitedly. It made us laughed. Kids…

We spoke for more than an hour. Me and Andre. Me and Josh. Marry, the boy’s mother, spoke to me too. She is a nice lady. But her relationship with Andre ended when she was pregnant with Joshua, their son. I never asked what made them splitted. I don’t want to interfere. The only thing Andre told me is Marry brought Josh with her when she moved to Boston. The boy was only a year old at that time. From that time Andre makes it a habit to visit them so he can spend christmas eve and christmas with his son.

Somehow talking with them has brought this feeling. I can’t describe how it feels. But it something that can make me forget myself and it makes me happy.

“I will be leaving on the 26^th” Andre said it once again “I will spend a night in Jakarta and the next morning I will be in Bogor. I promise”

And that’s exactly what he did. We celebrated christmas on the 30^th. After work. We went to Puncak, to his friend’s villa. There I have got a surprise. A christmas tree stood tall in the livingroom. A dining table was placed infront of it.

“You didn’t fall when you decorated this, did you?” I teased him.

“I made sure I wouldn’t fall or otherwise we wouldn’t have Christmas dinner now” was his reply “so, let’s eat”

We had dinner infront of that tree. The tree that he bought and decorated all by himself. That was not it. He cooked all the meals for our dinner that evening. I am glad he didn’t notice my teary eyes as the whole thing really touched my heart.

“Merry christmas” Andre wishpered those words as he held me close “Everytime I am with you, it feels like christmas”

“So have a very merry christmas, Andre”

Everything seemed frozen in time. Problem vanished. Weariness gone.