The stuff in here looks ok, said the doctor whom I went to see yesterday.
I looked at the images shown on the screen, …. yeah, they did look ok to me too. So what in the hell that making me been having this bleeding for two months?.
Are you taking any medicine? Or are you under a treatment?, he asked.
The only thing I have been taking is just vitamin.
So you probably are just having stress.
Really? Me? Stress?
Come on, doc.
Why would I get stressed?
Well, I am forty one and I have not even accomplished one fourth of my dreams; but I have already sacrificed the passion that have always making me feel good about myself-the one that I always thought as my call and my destiny,.. I sacrificed it all for money.
Tell me again, doc, why should I get stressed?..
I have been supporting my parents for seventeen years now. I always have mix feelings about them. I love them but I also hate them. I need them but I want to run away from them. I have their support but there is this ever present feeling that they have seen and treated me like money maker. I hate myself for being unable to give them what they need. I hate myself for being their only nice dedicated child. At the end, I just hate everything and everyone. Many times I wish I would just disappear. If problems would not disappear and they wouldn’t either, then let me be the one who disappear so I won’t feel what I feel anymore and the anger, pain, hatred, disappointment will stop.
Do you call this stress, doc? Let me tell you what stress is ..
I have a man who loves me for four years. And though we don’t know where this relationship is heading to I desperately want to be there with him, I would leave everything behind to stay with him, to have a new start, to free myself of the responsibility to work for money, to find my passion, to restore my faith, to re-discover my call.
But if I were to leave and stay with him, who is going to feed my parents?. Ask my boyfriend to send them money? Yeah, right...
So who’s been having stress anyway, doc?..
I met a guy whom I thought was in love with me. He showed every sign of it but denied it when I asked him. So I misunderstood it, I concluded, ok, that’s fine. Let’s just be friends then. And for a month or so he behaved normally as I accepted him as a friend, a good buddy, another few of my trusted person in this place. But not so long ago he repeated his old behavior. I shook my head in disbelief, out of agitation and feeling completely uncomfortable. Damn it, are you playing games?. Is it a joke on me?.
“Forget about him” Mrs. Martha whom I came to for motherly advice, looked so concern “I don’t want to see you so upset like this. It affects your health. So he probably nice, smart and has many talents but he is just lousy when it comes to personal relationship. So don’t let him crushed your peace of mind and happiness”.
She is right, of course. But saying the words are easy than done. As long as I am still here, I have to meet him on daily basis and it makes my desire to leave become bigger. But the doors are closed. Leaving me spend day after day in agony.
Get the picture, doc?... tell me again, who’s been having stress anyway?
What? Of the people masquerading themselves in this place? Talk like angels. Behave like saints. But in hardship, came the real wolves howling and took me as their prey. The bitches with haloes, that’s how I called them. Yes, they are pretty much exist in this place. No different with other places. Making me wonder what good does it bring to them having hearing and reading those scriptures every week?. Is it all just lip service? Skin deep understanding?. Who are they trying to fool anyway?
Haven’t got all in the frame, doc?
The pieces are scattered. That is how I feel about myself lately. Everything I ever believed is not in me anymore. The things I used to hold on are broken. And I just don’t know how to put them back into the frame. I am losing myself. Broken and scattered into pieces.
You are wrong, doc, I am not stressed. I am losing my sanity.
There are other people in much worst condition than mine. Yes, I know about this fact. I should count my blessings. But I can’t right now. It is not curing me. It does not solve my psyche problem.
The thing is, doc, you can cure my body but not my mind.
The cure is when I can do things that I feel this is why I was born into the world. To make a different. To feel sincere acceptance as myself. Not just being needed and wanted because I could set a date for a choir, type a letter, do book keeping.. what kind of satisfaction do I get for myself for doing stuff like that? What have I achieved by pleasing everyone?. To do the service for God? Oh please, go f**k yourself if you think you could make me feel better by giving me this excuse.
Can’t you just see, doc? I am falling apart. I am angry to myself, disappointed of myself. I don’t know how could I get into this s**t hole. I am drifting apart. I am torn apart. And I just don’t know how to pull myself together.
Anger used to give me strength. But this time, it is destroying me inside.
The prescribed medicine you gave, doc, I am certain they can stop the bleeding. But I wonder if they can also stop these negative thoughts from flooding my mind.
Now I know that the worst thing you and I can get is not the hardship, it is the losing of optimism and faith.
Come to me again if the bleeding persists after you take all the medicine. Geez, I knew this would be our first and last meeting, doc.
But who should I go to now? Who would embrace me and tell me it is alright to feel down like this? Who would let me unafraid to show that I am not strong, that I feel scared, lonely, lost and confused?. Everyone thinks I am sort of a ball that will always bouncing up when pressed down. People, life and even God think they can throw anything to me and I wouldn’t get any objection.
So you have faith in your medicine, doc, that’s good for you. I don’t have any faith anymore.. and that’s horrible..
I am not asking for any advice. I am not expecting you to symphatise either. This is my blog. My diary. I write anything I want. Unburdened myself in the way I could never do in real life. My smile, my laugh, my soft spoken voice and my daily performance are not revealing the restlessness I feel inside.
I may not know you and you may not know me, plus, we probably never met each other but every living human on earth has his/her restlessness. That is what we all have in common.