Greetings dear readers / salam buat para pembaca

Knowing that I say it better in writing, and I do love writing, I decided to write my experiences and thoughts in this blog so this is my e-diary.

Don't speak Indonesian? No need to worry, it is written both in Indonesian and in English.

Happy Reading, everybody !

Buat saya mengungkapkan isi hati dan pemikiran lebih gampang dilakukan dalam bentuk tulisan dan karena saya juga senang menulis, saya memutuskan menulis hal-hal yang saya alami dan yang ada dalam pikiran saya dalam blog ini.

Untuk yang tidak bisa berbahasa Indonesia, jangan khawatir, blog ini saya tulis dalam bahasa Indonesia dan Inggris.

Selamat membaca !

Friday, November 16, 2012

Super Woman?

What have I achieved that makes me deserve to be called a super woman?, I smiled in irony as the thought of how I was still pretty much battling my depression came to my mind.

 I have so many dreams, hopes and ambitions that I have not even achieved one fourth of them and time doesn’t make me any younger. Damn!.. would this means that I be counted as one of those people who do great things in their 50s, 60s or even 80s?

Not achieving anything but have already forced to sacrifice the thing I love most, the passion that made me felt alive. The sense of destiny that I had sought for many years.  The purpose of life that I no longer have the day I sacrificed it for money..

I am angry to myself. Disappointed. Feel like a failure. I hate myself. I am disgusted to myself. I felt like a pathetic creature.

My personal life seems to have the same pattern. As long as my parents still depend on me financially, how could I accept my boyfriend’s plea that I live with him in his country?.  I can’t and I will not allow him to support my parents. If I come to live in with him, he will have to support me financially as I will be off job for a year or so. He has accept this as the consequence for his desire to have me live with him. But supporting my parents are another thing. I learned one painful lesson that money is a sensitive issue. One guy whom once said he loved me, could treat me so bad over money issue and I broke up with him because of it.  After that I swore to myself that I will never let it happen again.

So I have been drowning in frustration since September and it affected my menstrual cycle. The bleeding goes nearly non stop for two months that I had to see a gynecologist few weeks ago. Ultrasonographic showed that my uterus and ovaries are doing just fine.

They are doing fine but not my psyche.

You see, I rarely got into depression but when it happens, it could go bloody awful.

I felt no one could help me. I had to help myself.

The medicine the doctor gave me helped a little to make the bleeding ceased but the side effect made me felt like a zombie. It sucked every energy I had left in my body that everytime I have got home from work, I had no energy left to even open my mouth to speak so I just took a bath, had light dinner as I lost my appetite (every food and drink tasted bitter, one of the medicine’s side effect) and just went to bed after that.

I stopped taking the medicine after two days realizing that I couldn’t take its side effect. But its chemical effect stayed in my body for probably a week and so I spent the days  seriously felt I just wanted to die so the pain and sorrow would end.

Every night I went to bed wishing that I did not have to wake up in the morning.

Every morning I woke up asking myself why did I have to wake up and lived the day.

However, during this time, I amazingly could function pretty well at work. I even behaved normally. No one suspected I was in the middle of mentally and physically crisis.

I am recovering now. It has been three days now that I feel my mind and my body are working, well, I could say almost back to normal. Though in one of those days I nearly fainted in the morning and in the other day I had bad headache. I think it caused by my blood pressure that dropped low. But I am on the way to get better. I don’t care if it goes slow. I want and need to, heck, I must overcome this.

So, would all the things I recently had to endure making me deserve to be called a super woman?

Geez,.. people, all I know is I have got to get myself out of this s**t hole.

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