What have I achieved that makes me deserve to be called a super woman?, I smiled in irony as the thought of how I was still pretty much battling my depression came to my mind.
I have so many dreams, hopes and ambitions that I have not even achieved one fourth of them and time doesn’t make me any younger. Damn!.. would this means that I be counted as one of those people who do great things in their 50s, 60s or even 80s?
Not achieving anything but have already forced to sacrifice the thing I love most, the passion that made me felt alive. The sense of destiny that I had sought for many years. The purpose of life that I no longer have the day I sacrificed it for money..
I am angry to myself. Disappointed. Feel like a failure. I hate myself. I am disgusted to myself. I felt like a pathetic creature.
My personal life seems to have the same pattern. As long as my parents still depend on me financially, how could I accept my boyfriend’s plea that I live with him in his country?. I can’t and I will not allow him to support my parents. If I come to live in with him, he will have to support me financially as I will be off job for a year or so. He has accept this as the consequence for his desire to have me live with him. But supporting my parents are another thing. I learned one painful lesson that money is a sensitive issue. One guy whom once said he loved me, could treat me so bad over money issue and I broke up with him because of it. After that I swore to myself that I will never let it happen again.
So I have been drowning in frustration since September and it affected my menstrual cycle. The bleeding goes nearly non stop for two months that I had to see a gynecologist few weeks ago. Ultrasonographic showed that my uterus and ovaries are doing just fine.
They are doing fine but not my psyche.
You see, I rarely got into depression but when it happens, it could go bloody awful.
I felt no one could help me. I had to help myself.
The medicine the doctor gave me helped a little to make the bleeding ceased but the side effect made me felt like a zombie. It sucked every energy I had left in my body that everytime I have got home from work, I had no energy left to even open my mouth to speak so I just took a bath, had light dinner as I lost my appetite (every food and drink tasted bitter, one of the medicine’s side effect) and just went to bed after that.
I stopped taking the medicine after two days realizing that I couldn’t take its side effect. But its chemical effect stayed in my body for probably a week and so I spent the days seriously felt I just wanted to die so the pain and sorrow would end.
Every night I went to bed wishing that I did not have to wake up in the morning.
Every morning I woke up asking myself why did I have to wake up and lived the day.
However, during this time, I amazingly could function pretty well at work. I even behaved normally. No one suspected I was in the middle of mentally and physically crisis.
I am recovering now. It has been three days now that I feel my mind and my body are working, well, I could say almost back to normal. Though in one of those days I nearly fainted in the morning and in the other day I had bad headache. I think it caused by my blood pressure that dropped low. But I am on the way to get better. I don’t care if it goes slow. I want and need to, heck, I must overcome this.
So, would all the things I recently had to endure making me deserve to be called a super woman?