We Don’t Say Goodbye

Hari Jumat kemarin ini bukan hari yang membangkitkan semangat untuk saya. Ruang kantor kembali kebanjiran. Ini bukan yang pertama kalinya. Genteng merosot atau ada sampah menyumbat talang air jadi penyebabnya.

Tapi yang pasti saya harus turun tangan sendiri untuk mengeringkan ruangan itu. Untunglah ibu Rini, bagian kebersihan, masuk pagi. Berdua kami mengepel ruangan. Sukur bisa kelar dalam waktu satu jam walau sekejap saya sempat merasa badan gemetaran dan pandangan mata berkunang-kunang. Mungkin karena badan belum 100% pulih benar dari demam 2 hari lalu dan masih batuk pula.

Beberapa jam kemudian saya mengantar si bule ke airport.

Mungkin karena capek, belum sepenuhnya sembuh dari batuk, ditambah harus  mengawali hari  dengan harus ngepel di kantor, lalu beberapa hal dalam kehidupan pribadi dan pekerjaan yang terjadi susul menyusul dalam jangka waktu berdekatan dan ditambah dengan kenyataan bahwa hari ini dia harus kembali ke negerinya membuat saya lepas kendali.

“Honey, what is it?” dia kaget waktu tiba-tiba saja saya menangis. Sayang, kamu kenapa?

Saya juga sebetulnya heran. Kok bisa-bisanya saya mewek begitu. Rasanya seperti bendungannya jebol. Aduh mak, untung saja kami masih berada dalam mobil. Malu-maluin banget kan kalau saya menangis terisak-isak begitu di airport yang penuh dengan orang. Bisa jadi tontonan orang sekampung…

“That darn ceiling, stupid roof tile, f**king flood!” saya memaki, menyumpah-serapahi atap sialan, genteng sialan, banjir sialan… ya, ya, saya sedang dilanda emosi jiwa. Ingin rasanya saya berteriak mengeluarkan semua beban di hati tapi hanya itu yang bisa keluar diantara sedu sedan saya.

Dia tentulah bingung mendengarnya karena saya tidak bercerita apa pun tentang kejadian pagi tadi. Tapi dia tidak bertanya. Dia meraih saya dalam pelukannya dan selama beberapa menit membiarkan saja saya menangis.

Saya pikir bukanlah acara jalan-jalan kami yang membuat dirinya punya arti besar bagi saya. Tapi karena di saat saya lemah, kacau dan kehilangan kendali diri seperti ini, dia ada, dia peduli dan dia berdiri di sisi saya.

“Maybe I should cancel this flight to next week?” dia berbisik. Saya tunda aja ya pulangnya ke minggu depan?.

“No, you shouldn’t” saya kaget “you can’t. You have your work, your apartment and with all this travel warning from your government”. Jangan. Kerjaan kamu gimana, terus apartemen kamu, mana lagi ada travel warning dari negeri kamu.

“I can’t leave you like this” dia betul-betul kelihatan khawatir karena selama 4 tahun belum pernah saya menangis saat mengantar dia ke airport ketika dia harus kembali ke negerinya. Saya ga bisa ninggalin kamu dalam keadaan begini.

“I will get over this” saya terharu juga melihatnya seperti itu. Saya akan bisa mengatasi ini.

“I don’t want to leave you like this” dia ragu “I can use the email to my clients, the apartment is fine and to hell with that travel warning. It’s just drive everybody crazy”. Saya ga mau ninggalin kamu kayak gini. Saya bisa pake email buat kontak dengan klien, apartemen saya aman dan masa bodoh amat dengan travel warning itu. Cuma bikin orang senewen aja.

“No, you can’t. You have to go back” saya berkeras “I was having a rough day and temporarily lose my sanity”. Jangan. Kamu harus balik. Saya cuma lagi ngadepin satu hari yang berat yang bikin saya rada sinting.

Dia menatap saya seakan ingin meyakinkan diri bahwa hal itu benar.

“I’m fine. I will be fine. I will get through this” saya mengucapkannya dengan tulus. Saya baik-baik saja. Saya akan baik-baik saja. Saya pasti bisa melalui semua ini. “Trouble and problems will not go away or stop coming whether you are here or not”.  Kesusahan dan masalah tetap akan ada entah kamu disini atau tidak ada disini.

“I will return” cuma itu yang dikatakannya sebelum boarding “I promise you”. Saya pasti balik. Saya janji.

Malamnya saya baru menyadari saya kena… biduran!! Ya ampun!

Dari pagi memang sudah terasa kulit gatal dan ada bintik-bintik kecil merah muncul di kulit. Tadinya saya kira karena terkena debu dan air banjiran yang kotor. Tapi tidak hilang setelah saya cuci. Malamnya baru saya perhatikan ternyata ini biduran karena sekujur badan, bo.

Kabar baiknya adalah yang ini tidak separah yang pernah saya alami beberapa tahun lalu.

Kabar buruknya adalah ini pertanda saya sedang stress berat karena biduran hanya muncul kalau saya sedang dalam demikian.

Kabar terbaru yang menyusul adalah banjir berlanjut sampai ke hari berikutnya. Setelah mengalami banjir selama 2 hari berturut-turut, kondisi fisik saya yang tidak fit membuat saya ambruk pada hari itu juga. Akibatnya hari Minggu saya tidak bisa masuk kerja. Untung besokannya adalah hari cuti saya sehingga ditambah dengan hari libur saya maka saya bisa mendapat 3 hari berturut-turut untuk istirahat. 3 hari yang berharga buat memulihkan kesehatan.

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I had one discouraging day on Friday. The office got flooded again. It wasn’t the first time. Some trash stuck on the water drain or crack on roof tile might be the caused of the leak on the ceiling.

One thing for sure is I had to deal with it myself. Glad that Mrs. Rini, the cleaner, was in morning shift so together we mopped and cleaned the room. I could sigh in relief because it was done in just an hour though I had to stop once because I felt dizzy, shaking and saw stars. I haven’t completely recovered from the fever I had 2 days earlier and still having cough.

Few hours later I was on the way to the airport with my ‘dear’ friend.

Maybe I was exhausted, maybe it is the unwell feeling, maybe the things in the office in the morning, maybe the stuff in my personal life that came to trouble me lately, adding with the fact that he is going back to the US today that made me broke down.

“Honey, what is it?” he was so surprised to see me cried.

I myself couldn’t be any less surprised. I just broke into tears like that. I am so glad it happened while we were still in the car. It would be embarrassing to cry like that in the crowded airport.

“That darn ceiling, stupid roof tile, f**king flood!” I cursed those things. there were so many in my heart and mind that I felt I wanted to scream them out loud but they were the only ones that got out in between my sobbing.

I know he must be wondering what in the hell I was cursing at because I didn’t tell him about the flood in the office. But he didn’t ask. Quietly he took me to his arms, he hugged me close and let me cried for few minutes.

I think the main thing I treasured from him is not about our travelling time. It is in the time when I was weak, gone astray and lost, he is there for me, he cares and he stands by my side. He means a lot for me because of that.

“Maybe I should cancel this flight to next week?” he wishpered.

“No, you shouldn’t” I shook my head “you can’t. You have your work, your apartment and with all this travel warning from your government”.

“I can’t leave you like this” he looked worried because in our 4 years of togetherness I never cried when it is time for him to go back to his country.

“I will get over this” it touched my heart to see him so concerned like that.

“I don’t want to leave you like this” he hesitated “I can use the email to my clients, the apartment is fine and to hell with that travel warning. It’s just drive everybody crazy”.

“No, you can’t. You have to go back” I insisted “I was having a rough day and temporarily lose my sanity”.

He looked at me intensely as if he wanted to believe every word of it is true.

“I’m fine. I will be fine. I will get through this” I sincerely meant it “Trouble and problems will not go away or stop coming whether you are here or not”.

“I will return” he said that before he boarded the plane “I promise you”.

That evening I realized I have got rash. Tiny reddish spots appeared on my entire skin and they are itchy. I thought dust and dirty water from the flood have caused it. I carefully have washed my hands and feet with antiseptic soap but when they appeared on the entire body did I realize it was rash.

The good news is it is not as bad as the one I had few years ago.

The bad news is it is the sign of bad stress because I only had it when I was feeling completely down.

The updated news is the next day I had to deal with the same flood in my office room as I haven’t found the cause of the leak on the ceiling. However, it took toll on my health. That evening I found myself having fever that made me had to skip work on Sunday. Luckily the next day is my leave day and with my off day on Tuesday made me got 3 days off. 3 precious days off to rest and recover.