Love : Profit Gain or Profit Loss?

Percakapan di hari Minggu (9/9) itu ternyata masih menyisakan satu hal lagi yang mengganggu ketentraman hati saya. Yang pertama sudah saya tulis dipostingan sebelumnya. Nah, sekarang adalah hal kedua yang bikin hati saya galau lau lau... hehe..

Penyebabnya adalah ucapan adik saya (dia sebetulnya teman dan rekan kerja saya yang sudah saya anggap sebagai adik sendiri) dalam percakapan itu yang mengatakan buat apa pacaran, pacaran hanyalah hubungan yang tidak pasti. Tapi kalau berhubungan untuk satu tujuan yaitu menikah maka itu lebih baik. Alasannya? Pacaran merugikan karena setelah berjalan sekian waktu tanpa kejelasan tujuan, kemudian putus, maka waktu, tenaga dan uang yang sudah dikeluarkan.. pastilah itu merugikan.

Waduh, pikir saya spontan, kalau mengikuti definisi demikian lalu menurut adik saya itu, hubungan saya dengan si bule masuk jabaran dalam hubungan tidak jelas dong, yang merugikan kalau hubungan kami bubar, gitu?

Heleh… saya jadi pusing sendiri karena saya tidak tahu bagaimana mendefinisikan hubungan kami. Seperti yang sudah saya tulis dalam postingan sebelumnya, saya tidak punya target. Sementara si bule punya tapi dia tidak ngotot untuk alasan seperti yang dikatakannya kepada saya; dia menyayangi saya dan so dia berlapang hati menerima serta mengerti segala keanehan dan kesintingan saya. Itu juga yang membuat dia tidak pernah memberi ultimatum ‘mau dibawa kemana hubungan kita ini’.

Cuma kalau suatu hubungan mulai memakai hitungan untung-rugi seperti itu, wah, saya jadi galau juga. Bukan mikir soal buntutnya nanti bakal manjang atau bubar. Bukan itu yang bikin saya galau. Tapi perkara merasa merugi karena sudah keluar tenaga, waktu dan duit selama kurun waktu tertentu saat menjalin hubungan dengan seseorang yang kemudian putus.

Jujur saja, setiap kali saya menjalin hubungan dengan seseorang, pemikiran seperti itu tidak pernah ada dalam otak saya. Bahkan setelah hubungan itu bubar, tetap saja saya tidak pernah berpikir saya sudah buang waktu, buang umur, buang tenaga dan buang duit.

Namun mendengar perkataan adik saya itu membuat saya bertanya-tanya. Begitukah laki-laki berpikir setiap kali dia memulai suatu hubungan atau setiap kali hubungannya dengan seorang wanita berakhir?

Gawat. Saya langsung berpikir ke si bule yang selama empat tahun ini telah terbang dari negerinya ke Indonesia untuk berlibur minimal sekali setiap tahunnya, lalu setiap kali datang dia akan tinggal setidaknya selama dua minggu dan setiap kali itu pula dia pasti mengajak saya jalan.

Otak saya langsung berputar bagaikan mesin hitung. Tiket pesawat pulang pergi Amerika-Indonesia saja sudah ribuan dollar. Biar pun dia sudah memesan dari berbulan-bulan sebelumnya supaya dapat diskon tapi tetap saja mahal. Apalagi karena dia ogah naik di kelas ekonomi. Selalu milih kelas bisnis karena fasilitasnya tentu lebih nyaman untuk perjalanan menempuh jarak yang demikian jauh.

Lalu selama di Indonesia,dia pasti milih tinggal di hotel atau nyewa rumah. Kalau cuma untuk 1-2 hari sih ongkosnya tidak besar, tapi ini untuk jangka waktu 2 minggu sampai sebulan. Hitung saja berapa banyak uang yang harus dikeluarkannya hanya untuk tempat menginap.

Itu masih ditambah dengan pengeluaran untuk transportasi. Dia selalu menyewa mobil supaya bisa enak nyetir sendiri kalau kami mau jalan-jalan.

Kemudian masih ada pengeluaran untuk makan, clubbing dan berwisata keluar kota. Waktu kami ke Bali kemarin, itu artinya pengeluaran lagi untuk tiket pesawat, hotel, transportasi, makan, clubbing. Dan kami jalan tidak hanya ke Bali. Kami ke puncak, memang sih nginapnya di villa milik temannya tapi kami berwisata juga selama berada disana. Kemudian kami bepergian ke Lembang dan akan ke Garut.

 Dengan sekian banyak uang, waktu, umur dan tenaga yang sudah dikeluarkannya itu demi hubungan kami yang tidak jelas mau dibawa kemana, saya bertanya-tanya akankah dia menyesalinya kalau semisalkan kami putus.

“How’s that?” dia meletakkan koran yang sedang dibacanya, mata coklatnya menatap saya dari balik kacamata bacanya “you want us to break up?”. Itu reaksinya sewaktu saya menanyakan hal tersebut padanya. Kaget. Heran.

Melihatnya seperti itu membuat saya merasa semakin menambah keanehan dan kesintingan dalam diri saya. Hehe. Tapi cemas juga saya. Wah, dia marah ga ya ditanya begini?

“Explain it to me again” dia melepaskan kacamatanya “is there someone else? Are you telling me that you met another man?”. Waduh, kok malah dikiranya saya minta putus? Karena ada lelaki lain?

“I didn’t say that” sanggah saya “I just want to know if we, say, were no longer together, would you think you have wasted lots of time, energy and money for nothing?”. Saya cuma pengen tahu kalau misalnya tiba-tiba kita bubar, terus apa dia bakal mikir dia sudah buang waktu, tenaga dan duit dengan percuma?

“And what makes you think like that?” dia tampak keheranan tapi juga penasaran “who gives you such idea?”. Apa yang membuat saya bisa punya pikiran seperti itu? Siapa yang memasukkan pemikiran seperti itu ke dalam otak saya?

Saya pun kembali menceritakan tentang percakapan di hari Minggu (9/9) itu.

Dia diam. Meletakkan koran di meja. Mengusap-usap jenggot brewoknya yang selalu mengingatkan saya pada kapten Haddock dalam komik Tintin (hehe).

“So this is about that conversation again” dia menghela napas. Lagi-lagi soal percakapan di hari Minggu (9/9) itu. “I honestly tell you this, I come here to see you, to be with you, the woman I love. I don’t see it profitable or unprofitable for me in present time or in the future as if this were a business trip or if I were doing business. All I know is I want this. I am here because I want to be here. I am by your side because I want to. Whether we are going to end up in marriage or we are going to marry other people or we just break up, it is another thing”

Ya, seharusnya saya tahu bahwa dia bukan orang yang akan berhitung untung rugi seakan dia sedang melakukan bisnis. Dia datang untuk saya karena dia ingin bersama dengan saya. Perkara hubungan kami akan berumur panjang atau tidak, entah kami akan menikah atau menikah dengan orang lain atau total bubar, yang pasti pemikiran kami sama; kami membiarkan hubungan ini mengalir saja. Tanpa beban. Tanpa target. Tanpa pengharapan yang muluk-muluk.

“You’re one heck of a woman” dia tersenyum sambil menarik saya ke dalam pelukannya “stubborn, weird, simple but yet also complicated, tough, vulnerable.. and I love you”. Kamu perempuan unik; keras kepala, aneh, sederhana tapi rumit, tegar (tapi) rapuh.. dan saya sayang kamu.

“Don’t forget to add, a marriage-phobia” saya nyengir. Jangan lupa ditambahin satu lagi fakta tentang diri saya; fobia sama pernikahan. Hehe.

Dia spontan ngakak “you got that right”. Betul banget.

“How many men have you dated before we met?” tanyanya tiba-tiba.

Berapa banyak cowok yang pernah saya pacarin sebelum saya menjalin hubungan dengan dia? Wah, berapa banyak ya?

“I don’t know. I never count their number” jawab saya. Mana saya tahu. Ga pernah ngitungin.

“Five? Ten? Fifteen?”. Lima? Sepuluh? Lima belas?

Saya tertawa “maybe ten or more than that”. Mungkin sepuluh. Mungkin lebih.

“Ok, let’s just assume it, ten men” dia menatap saya dengan jenaka “ten men in ten years? Twenty years?”. Katakanlah ada sepuluh mantan pacar. Itu selama kurun waktu sepuluh  atau dua puluh tahun?

“More than twenty years if we assume that I had my first boyfriend in highschool. I was seventeen at that time so it was twenty four years ago” saya menghitung-hitung. Lebih dari dua puluh tahun karena saya pacaran pertama kali waktu saya umur 17 tahun di SMA. Itu sudah 24 tahun yang lalu.

“So ten men in twenty four years” dia nyengir “you have wasted twenty four years with ten men and you broke your heart ten times. Would you consider those things as unprofitable?”. Jadi sepuluh cowok, sepuluh kali patah hati dan buang waktu 24 tahun. Apa saya memperhitungkan hal itu sebagai suatu kerugian?

“Never” jawab saya spontan. Ga pernah. "I'd never thought  that". Saya ga akan pernah berpikir begitu.

“Why?” tanyanya. Kenapa?

“Because each man gave me immaterial and valuable lesson. I wouldn’t be the person I am today if I didn’t date them” jawab saya. Saya mendapatkan pengalaman berharga dengan setiap cowok itu. Dan semua hal itu menjadikan saya sebagai diri saya saat ini.

“So you are saying it is because they taught you to be wiser, patient and matured?”. Karena mereka mengajari saya untuk menjadi seorang yang lebih bijaksana, sabar dan dewasa?

“They turned me into that kind of person” saya menegaskan. Mereka mengubah saya menjadi pribadi demikian.

“Ok. Now listen to me, we never wish to have a broken relationship” dia memeluk saya lebih erat “nobody wants it. But the problem is we don’t know whether it is going to work and last forever or not. All we know is we do our best, be grateful for what we have, appreciate and enjoy it. Don’t think much because you don’t know what the future holds for you”

Tidak seorang pun dari kita yang berharap untuk menjalin hubungan dengan seseorang yang kemudian berakhir dengan putus ditengah jalan. Tapi masalahnya kita tidak tahu apakah suatu hubungan akan berjalan dengan baik dan langgeng atau tidak. Yang bisa kita lakukan adalah mengupayakannya, mensyukurinya, menghargainya dan menikmatinya. Jangan berpikir terlalu rumit karena toh kita tidak tahu apa yang akan terjadi besok.

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That Sunday afternoon conversation left another thing that troubled me. I have wrote about the first matter that troubled me in the previous post. Now here is the second thing that troubled me. 

It was the thing my brother (he is not my real brother. He is a friend and coworker whom I accept as a brother) said in the conversation. He said why date anyone if it is not for a certain purpose. If marriage is not the outcome in a relationship, it would only a waste of time, energy and money.

Hell, I thought spontaneously, based on his description then what would it be expected for my relationship with my dear friend?. We have no clear purpose in our relationship. Not expecting much for its outcome.

It gives me the dizzy to describe our relationship. I have written in my previous post in this blog that I set no target in our relationship. He, on the contrary, has some but he loves me so much that it makes him understands and accepts all of my insanity and weirdness. It is why he never give me any ultimatum about where is our relationship go to.

But when a relationship starts to have profit gain and profit loss kind of mindset, it is definitely give me headache. So it is not about whether it is going to last forever or are we might break up. The mindset tells about waste of time, energy and money should a relationship goes wrong and ends up not in marriage.

I honestly never thought like that when I start or in a relationship. Not even after it fell apart.

But the thing my brother has said in that conversation made me wonder if that is what man thinks when he is at the beginning of a relationship or after he breaks up with a woman. 

That’s totally a freaky thought. My dear friend came to my mind. He has been coming to this country to see me for four years. Everytime he comes, he stayss at least 2 weeks and during his stay he always takes me out and go travelling.

My mind spins fast like a calculator. How much has he spent for his plane tickets from USA to Indonesia? Eventhough he has booked them many months in advanced to get cheaper price but they still come in thousands of dollar. Especially because he never takes economy class. Always in business class because the facilities and service make the long flight comfortable for him.

During his stay, he prefers to stay in hotel or rented house. It may not be costly for 1-2 days but he stays for 2 weeks to a month. How much money has he spent for that?

And there is another expenditure for transportation as he always rents car because he likes to drive a car when we go out.

More money to spend when we go for lunch or dinner, go clubbing and travelling. We went to Bali recently and he has to pay the plane tickets, hotel, clubbing, food and beverages. And Bali is not our only travel destination. We went to Puncak, though we stayed at his friend’s villa but we were not just stayed there the whole time. And we went to Lembang and will go to Garut.

With all the money, energy and time he has spent for our relationship, which does not have clear purpose, no fixed outcome, would he then regret it when say, we break up?

“How’s that?” he put down the newspaper that he was reading, his brown eyes stared at me from behind his glasses “you want us to break up?”. He looked surprise.

Seeing him like that made me think I have just add more weirdness and insanity. Lol. But it worried me. Did I upset him with that question?

“Explain it to me again” he put down his glasses “is there someone else? Are you telling me that you met another man?”. Man, he thought I asked for a break up because I saw another man.

“I didn’t say that” I quickly explained “I just want to know if we, say, were no longer together, would you think you have wasted lots of time, energy and money for nothing?”

“And what makes you think like that?” he looked puzzled “who gives you such idea?”

So I told him about that Sunday afternoon conversation.

He was quiet for a moment. He put down his newspaper. Scratched his beard that pretty much reminds me to Captain Haddock in the comic of Tintin.

“So this is about that conversation again” he sighed. “I honestly tell you this, I come here to see you, to be with you, the woman I love. I don’t see it profitable or unprofitable for me in present time or in the future as if this were a business trip or if I were doing business. All I know is I want this. I am here because I want to be here. I am by your side because I want to. Whether we are going to end up in marriage or we are going to marry other people or we just break up, it is another thing”

I should have known it better that he doesn’t into profit gain or profit loss when it comes to his relationship with me. He is here for me. It is not how this relationship will end that matter most for him. We both adapt an easy going approachment to our relationship.

“You’re one heck of a woman” he smiled as he hugged me “stubborn, weird, simple but yet also complicated, tough, vulnerable.. and I love you”

“Don’t forget to add, a marriage-phobia” I grinned.

He laughed “you got that right”.

“How many men have you dated before we met?” he surprised me with a question.

“I don’t know. I never count their number”

“Five? Ten? Fifteen?”

I laughed “maybe ten or more than that”

“Ok, let’s just assume it ten men” his eyes teased me “ten men in ten years? Twenty years?”

“More than twenty years if we assume that I had my first boyfriend in highschool. I was seventeen at that time so it was twenty four years ago”

“So ten men in twenty four years” he grinned “you have wasted twenty four years, ten men and plus you broke your heart ten times. Would you consider those things as unprofitable?”

“Never”

“Why?”

“Because each man gave me immaterial and valuable lesson. I wouldn’t be the person I am today if I didn’t date them”

“So you are saying it is because they taught you to be wiser, patient and matured?”

“They turned me into that kind of person”

“Ok. Now listen to me, we never wish to have a broken relationship” he hugged me tightly “nobody wants it. But the problem is we don’t know whether it is going to work and last forever or not. All we know is we do our best, be grateful for what we have, appreciate and enjoy it. Don’t think much because you don’t know what the future holds for you”