A letter to god

I used to love you so very much. We were close.

Well, that was then. This is now. Things have changed.

So, after all the shit you allowed to happen in my life, you couldn’t be that naively thought it didn’t hurt me.

Oh yeah, you would come up with your favorite excuses; ‘I know what I am doing’, ‘it was for your own good’.

And so with those excuses you assumed I would understand it, I wouldn’t be hurt, I would get over it soon, I would excitedly jump and exclaim in joy ‘yippee, you’re right’..

Well, you’re fucking wrong.

So other people had faith, you would say, they kept their faith when I allowed shit happened to them.

You know what, I am not them. Don’t compare me with anybody. I am my own person.

Congratulation to those who kept their faith when shit happened in their life. I salute them. But here’s the thing, I am not them.

Now you expect me to come to you and say I want to believe in you again after all that I have been through? You expect me to say that everything is okay?

Well, you’re fucking wrong.

Do you think it would be that easy for me to forget those shits? To forget the times when I felt I was left all alone or when I felt you have betrayed me..

Well, you’re fucking wrong.

Those shits made me decided to stand on my own feet, to believe only on myself and I could survive without you. Well, guess what, I did it, I made it on my own, I survived.

Now you are telling me that you love me, that I should return to you, that I owe it all to you, that I should make peace with you, that I can’t live without you..

Well, you’re fucking wrong.

Why not admitting that you have hurt me? Why not telling me that you understand my feelings?

Why do I feel that I am the one expected to come to you when you knew that I am still keeping many anger and hard feelings for you so you know what?

I won’t fucking do that.

If you thought sending the man whom I love to be your messanger to ask me to return to you and it would melt my cold hard heart and make me run back to you..

You’re so damn fucking wrong.

Why not try to help me sort it out? Why not show me what I should do to get rid those hurt, anger and bitterness? Why not hug me and tell me that you knew you have hurt me through all the shit you allowed to happen to me, that though it happened for good purposes, you didn’t mean to hurt me and now you want to heal me.

Instead, the message I have got from you is made me picture you as one selfish god who thinks he can’t be blamed, can’t be sued, can’t be demanded to have emphaty and wouldn’t come down from the throne to reach out for me.

I just had it. I have had enough.

I don’t want to be hurt anymore. So let me be. Leave me alone. Let me live on my own.

Hate me for that. Curse me for that. But I just can’t imagine going through another shit that you allow to happen to me and to have those feelings of anger, betrayal, scared, lost and torn apart again.

I can’t. I won’t.

I just can’t. I just won’t.

Don’t ask me to do something that I can’t do. Don’t expect me to be somebody that I am not.

So I am wrong, he said. So I am completely an idiot to you. But I just can’t and won’t do what my heart is not in it.

Period.

I am happy being myself.

I don’t have any faith to you and I am just being myself.

I don’t want to be with you and I am truly being myself.

I want to abstain myself from you and I am being completely myself.

Even if I want to be a complete atheist, I am totally being myself.

So stop asking, demanding or expecting me to become somebody else and let me be myself.

And stop trying to get me back to you because I am not going back to you. You're not the god I want to believe in. I have my own believe. Let me live on my own believe. Stop interfering with my life.