Scraps Notes A Day Before New Year

Malas nulis. Hilang selera buat nulis. Tidak mood buat nulis. Tiba-tiba saja saya baru sadar kalau tinggal sehari lagi bulan ini dan bahkan tahun ini akan berakhir. Awww!!… gila! Cepat banget waktu itu berlalu.

Ada banyak hal berjalan tidak seperti yang saya inginkan pada tahun ini.

Saya tidak ingin melupakannya karena segala hal yang terjadi dalam kehidupan membawa banyak pelajaran, mengandung banyak makna, menjadi cermin yang menunjukkan baik dan buruknya diri sendiri.

Tapi saya juga tidak ingin mengingat segala hal yang terjadi dalam kehidupan. Ingin melupakan saja. Seandainya amnesia dapat di atur. Bagaikan file-file dalam komputer yang dapat di pilih mana yang di simpan dan mana yang di hapus.

Ada ingatan akan peristiwa yang saya pertahankan tetap ada dalam ingatan, ada yang saya buang.

Ada orang-orang yang saya akui keterlibatan dan hubungannya dengan saya, ada yang tidak akan pernah mau saya kenal lagi.

Ini berlaku untuk peristiwa dan orang-orang di masa lalu atau di masa sekarang..

Anggaplah bahwa saya aneh. Saya tidak perduli. Saya hanya harus memilih dan memilah.

Dari sekian banyak yang saya pertahankan dalam ingatan saya adalah kebersamaan saya dengan emak-emak nan riweuh, rumpi dan heboh. Ketika kami mempersiapkan natal. Saat kami mengunjungi istana. Pada waktu menginap di malam natal.

Emak-emak ini membuat saya bisa santai. Merasa cukup aman untuk melepaskan atribut jabatan yang melekat pada pekerjaan saya. Tidak harus menjaga sikap atau ucapan. Tanpa keharusan untuk menjadikan diri sebagai alas kaki orang lain, mengikuti kemauan orang yang merasa dirinya lebih superior atau menjadi penjilat kepada mereka yang ingin dihormati.

Tidak. Saya tidak perlu melakukan atau menjadikan diri saya sebagai manusia demikian ketika saya bersama dengan emak-emak itu.

Tentu saja tidak semua emak-emak itu sama baiknya. Tapi sebagian besarnya bisa membuat saya dapat bernapas lebih lega, menikmati kebebasan, melupakan batasan, dapat berkakak-kikik dalam kepolosan seorang anak tanpa harus mengkhawatirkan bagaimana pandangan dan penilaian orang. Meniadakan kecurigaan. Tidak menjadi paranoid karena dihantui keharusan untuk menjadi orang seperti yang diinginkan oleh semua orang sampai nyaris kehilangan jati diri.

Peristiwa-peristiwa dan orang-orang tertentu bisa membuat saya merasa mati rasa, beku, berubah menjadi manusia tanpa rasa, tanpa emosi tak ubahnya seorang zombie. Akhir-akhir ini saya dapat tertawa dan tersenyum tanpa merasakan hati dan emosi tergerak oleh enerji kehidupan sehingga tentu saja membuat tawa itu kosong dan senyum itu indah namun tanpa arti.

Tapi ada peristiwa-peristiwa dan orang-orang tertentu yang meluluhkan kebekuan itu, menghembuskan kembali kehidupan ke dalam diri saya, membangkitkan semangat, memberi kebahagiaan, membawa arti, membuat jiwa saya kembali berpendar dan saya menyadari bahwa saya benar-benar hidup. Dan bahwa kehidupan yang saya jalani ada artinya…

Natal datang dan pergi. Tapi yang terjadi dalam kehidupan dan yang ada bersama dengan saya di masa lalu atau saat ini, bagi saya, itu jauh lebih penting.

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Didn’t want to write. Lost the mood to make entries. Until suddenly I reliased that the month and year is drawn to its end in just a day.

This year many things happened not the way I wanted them to be.

I don’t want to forget them as each brings valuable lessons. A way to see my own reflection. Like a mirror, it shows my good and bad sides.

But I also don’t want to remember them. Discard them like the unwanted files in the computer database. If only amnesia could be set up on purpose.

Wanna keep some memories. Others are to be deleted permanently.

Some people’s influence and involvement in my life are being acknowledged while others denied their ever known by me. Past and present time.

Call me weird. I don’t care. I just need to choose and sort them out.

One of the many memories I keep is about the ever noisy and merry ladies. When we made preparation for christmas. When we went to the palace. When we spent a night at Christmas eve.

I can be at ease being with them. Feel free enough to lose myself, forget who I am, what I am. Don’t have to watch how I behave nor say. Not obliged to make myself like a doormat, not becoming a puppet to superior people, not being a hypocrite toward the people who thirst for respect.

No. I don’t have to turn myself as that kind of person when I am with the ladies.

Not all of them are kind of course. But mostly are kind, enable me to breathe easier, enjoying the freedom, forgetting the limitence, able to giggle like an innocent child without worrying about what other people might think or judge. Cast away the suspicion. Not becoming a paranoid over the obligation to please everyone that nearly got me lost my own identity.

Certain events and people can turn me like a zombie, feel no live inside, become remote, heartless. Lately I notice that I can laugh and smile without feeling any emotion. It is empty laugh. Pretty smile that is meaningless.

But other events and people can melt my icy heart, brings life back to dying soul, flourish my optimism, making me feel alive, my spirit sparks, confincing me that my life has a purpose..

Christmas come and go, and years passing by but the things in life and the ones who were or are there with me are what I considered most important.

All I Want For Christmas is…. (4)

Andre

Kami tidak pernah merayakan malam natal atau natal bersama-sama.

Dia tidak bisa datang sebelum natal karena merayakan malam natal atau hari natal dengan putranya menjadi sesuatu yang tidak bisa di tawar. Saya tidak protes. Saya juga akan melakukan hal yang sama bila berada diposisinya.

Di sisi lain saya tidak mau pergi ke negerinya untuk merayakan malam natal atau natal bersama dengan dia, putranya dan mantan pacarnya itu. Saya kira saya tidak terlalu ingin berada di antara mereka.

Andre tidak tinggal satu kota dengan putra semata wayangnya dari hubungannya dengan  mantan pacarnya itu. Dia hanya berkunjung pada saat putranya berulang tahun dan pada hari natal.

Itu sebabnya saya pikir setiap kali Andre bertemu dengan putranya maka hal itu adalah saat yang istimewa, yang harus menjadi milik mereka berdua. Saya tidak mau mengusik kebahagiaan mereka dengan kehadiran saya.

Yah, tapi tidak juga berarti Andre menempatkan saya sebagai orang luar. Ketika dia sedang bersama dengan putranya, dia pasti menghubungi saya dan membiarkan saya bicara dengan bocah lucu berusia lima tahun itu. Selain itu dua tahun lalu kami pernah bertemu di Singapura ketika Andre membawa saya berlibur ke negeri itu pada saat mantan pacarnya beserta putra mereka juga sedang berada di sana.

Kadang saya ingin sekali bisa seperti pasangan lainnya yang bisa merayakan natal bersama-sama. Tapi sikon tidak memungkinkan kami untuk dapat melakukannya. Toh sehari atau dua hari setelah natal dia segera berangkat untuk menemui saya dan untuk waktu 2-3 minggu berikutnya kami akan bersama-sama.

Jadi apa yang harus saya keluhkan?

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We never had Christmas eve or Christmas day together.

He can’t come before Christmas because spending it with his son is a must. I never have any objection. I would do the same if I were him.

On the other hand, I don’t want to be there to spend it with him, his son or his ex. I just don’t feel it right for me to be among them.

Andre does not live in the same town with his only child. He visits his son only on the boy’s birthday and in Christmas. It is why I think everytime they get together, it is their special moment. I don’t want to spoil it by being among them.

It does not mean that Andre keeps me away from his son. Whenever he is with his son, he will let the funny five year old boy talks to me when he calls me. And two years ago we actually met when Andre took me holidaying to Singapore at the time his son and his ex were there.

Sometimes I want us to spend Christmas together just like most couple do but what can I say, circumstance does not allow us to do so. What matters is in a day or two after Christmas he is on the plane to come here and we will be together for 2-3 weeks.

So what am I complaining anyway?..

All I Want For Christmas is…. (3)

The Magic of Christmas / Keajaiban Natal

Semua orang menginginkan keajaiban. Membutuhkan keajaiban. Terpesona oleh keajaiban.

Saya kira itu salah satu alasan mengapa film Harry Potter sukses. Banyak orang memimpikan untuk memiliki kemampuan, mantera atau tongkat sihir yang dapat menciptakan keajaiban.

Kita mengira keajaiban dapat mengusir kemarahan, menghapus kepedihan, memberi jalan keluar, melupakan semua yang menyakitkan, melenyapkan sumber penderitaan.

Beberapa bulan lalu hidup saya seperti terbolak balik oleh berbagai peristiwa. Begitu kerasnya terpaan itu mengenai saya sampai segala yang saya percayai, hilang. Semua yang pernah saya pegang erat-erat, lenyap.

Hanya satu hal yang tidak pernah hilang. Cinta.

Keajaiban bisa datang dan pergi atau malah mungkin tidak pernah terjadi sama sekali. Tapi cinta selalu ada dan tidak akan pernah hilang.

Bagi saya keajaiban itu adalah cinta.

Ketika saya berjuang melawan gelora badai persoalan, cinta membuat saya tidak tenggelam. Ketika semua harapan hilang, cinta membawa harapan baru. Saat segalanya terasa gelap, cinta menerangi saya. Waktu segalanya terlihat membingungkan, cinta menjadi jangkar yang kokoh.

Bahkan ketika saya kehilangan iman dan seluruh kepercayaan saya, cinta dari orang tua, kekasih, teman-teman terdekat dan murid-murid saya membuat saya tidak tersesat. Cinta mereka kepada saya telah memberi kekuatan, menjadi sesuatu yang dapat saya percayai dan andalkan. Lebih nyata dari apa pun juga yang ada di dunia ini.

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Everybody wants magic. We all are in need for magic. Each of us is astonished by magic.

I think that’s one of the reason why Harry Potter can be a popular and successful movie. Many of us dream to have the power, the spell or magic wand to make magic.

We thought magic could cast away anger, wipe off the sorrow, create way out, make all the pain disappear, make trouble gone.

Few months ago my life turned upside down by waves of hardship. It hit me pretty hard that it torn apart every belief and faith I have ever had.

One thing persistently stays. And that is love.

Magic can come and go or never come at all. But love is always there. It is never gone.

For me the magic of Christmas is love.

When the waves of hardship hurdled me off my feet, love keeps me from drowning. When every hope was gone, love brought me new hope. When everything looked so dark, love lighted up the darkness. When everything looked so confusing, love was the strong-unremovable anchor.

When I love my faith, the love from my parents, my boyfriend, my few true friends students keep me from getting lost. Their love give me strength, a thing that I can trust and rely on. 

Nothing in this world can be so real than love.

All I Want For Christmas is…. (2)

The Spirit of Christmas / Semangat Natal

Ketika saya masih bekerja sebagai guru, saya kerap mengawasi murid-murid saya ketika mereka sedang bermain. Tujuan utamanya tentu saja untuk menjaga supaya permainan mereka tidak menjadi sesuatu yang berakhir dengan pertengkaran, perkelahian atau kecelakaan.

Tapi dalam mengawasi mereka, saya juga kerap melihat kobaran semangat mereka yang demikian murni, sederhana, tanpa kepalsuan, tidak mengenal kepahitan hidup, tidak ternoda oleh kejahatan manusia dewasa, jauh dari kebusukan dunia. 

“…before life removed all the innocence..” demikian syair dalam lagu Celine Dion, Dance With My Father. Sebelum kehidupan merenggut seluruh keluguan.

Di usia 41 tahun, sebagian besar keluguan saya sudah di renggut oleh kehidupan melalui kesulitan, masalah, kehilangan, kekecewaan, pengkhianatan.

Tapi ketika saya berada di antara anak-anak itu, semua yang telah hilang di renggut oleh kehidupan terasa kembali saya miliki dan saya merasa hidup yang saya hidupi memiliki arti.

Apa jadinya bila arti itu hilang?

Saya menjadi bagian dari kegiatan menyambut natal. Tapi dalam hati saya merasa saya hidup tanpa benar-benar menjadi hidup.

Kemana harus saya cari semangat yang hilang itu? Bagaimana agar saya dapat memilikinya kembali?

Saya tidak ingin memiliki semangat Natal yang tanpa arti. Saya tidak mau Natal hanyalah sebuah ritual, suatu perayaan yang datang setahun sekali. Saya ingin dia menjadi hidup di dalam diri saya setiap saat. Itulah semangat Natal yang sejati. Bukan tentang lagu, makanan, pakaian, dekorasi dan bahkan juga tidak tentang ibadahnya.

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When I worked as kindgergarten teacher, I would watch my students when they played. I didn’t want the game they played would end in a fight or accident.

But watching them made me also see their high spirit. So pure, simple, genuine, spontaneous, untouched by the bittered life, unspoiled by the evilness of grown ups, away from this world’s pain and sorrow.

“…before life removed all the innocence..” sang Celine Dion in her song Dance With My Father.

At 41, you can be sure that most of my innocence has been ripped away by life through hardship, problems, lost, disappointment, betrayal.

But when I was with those children, I felt I had it back and I felt my life has a meaning.

What happens when it is lost? I lost my spirit.. that’s what happen..

I am very involved in making Christmas preparation but I am spiritless. I am not really alive.

Where should I seek for that lost spirit of mine? How can I get it back?

I don’t want to have a meaningless Christmas spirit. I want to have its true spirit. I don’t want Christmas that is just a ritual or a once a year celebration. I want the real Christmas lives in me every single moment in my life. I don’t want it to be just about the songs, the food, new clothes, decoration nor even the service..

All I Want For Christmas is…. (1)

The Meaning of Christmas / Arti Natal

Ciri khas menjelang hari-hari raya keagamaan adalah hal-hal yang selalu dilakukan sebelum dan saat hari tersebut. Selalu mengikuti kebiasaan. Hampir seperti ritual.

Dan seringkali ritual itu lebih berkesan dibandingkan arti dari apa yang dirayakan atau yang diperingati pada hari raya tersebut.

Lagu-lagu. Hiasan. Makanan. Pakaian. Ibadah.

Itukah arti suatu hari raya keagamaan?

Saya mendengar lagu-lagu Natal dimainkan. Dan beberapa kali saya mendengar teman menyanyikan atau setidaknya menggumamkannya.

Saya melihat dekorasi bernuansa hari raya ini.

Saya ikut terlibat dalam segala kegiatan menyambutnya.

Saya menyukai keceriaan dan semangat yang ada di sekitar saya. Semua mampu membuat saya larut didalamnya.

Kebaikan yang dilakukan menjadi suatu inspirasi yang patut di tiru.

Tapi semua itu tidak mampu menerangi kegelapan yang menyelubungi saya. Tidak  menghentikan peperangan dalam batin. Tidak menjawab berlaksa pertanyaan yang meresahkan diri. Tidak memberikan jalan keluar. Dan sekiranya saya mati hari ini, semua ritual itu tentunya tidak akan membawa saya masuk surga.

Bertahun mengikuti dan terlibat dalam ritual tanpa mengerti arti dari semua yang menjadi inti perayaan itu. Terjebak dan terkelabui oleh kebahagiaan palsu yang dihadirkan melalui ritual tersebut. Sampai ada masa ketika selama sekian tahun, perayaan itu tidak mampu memberikan arti lagi bagi saya.

Saya berdiri diam menekuri pohon dan salib. Merasakan kekosongan yang menyesakkan. Dalam kesedihan oleh rasa bersalah karena kehilangan arti.

Tidak seorang pun bisa memberikan arti yang hilang itu karena orang hanya akan bicara tentang apa yang diyakininya atau tentang apa yang mereka inginkan untuk saya yakini.

Saya ingin arti itu kembali. Saya membutuhkannya. Dia adalah hidup saya. Menemukannya akan membuat saya kembali hidup.

Dan agaknya hal itu harus saya lakukan sendiri.

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What came to your mind when you think about your religion’s festive? What do you usually do before and on that day?. It is always the same, isn’t it?. As if it follows a certain pattern. A ritual.

And most of the time, it is that ritual that left a deeper mark in our memory than the meaning in that religious festive.

The songs. The decoration. The food and beverages. New clothes. The service.

Is that it? The whole thing is just about those stuff?

I hear they play Christmas songs. Sometimes a friend sang or hummed it.

I see the decoration.

I am very much involved in preparing the festive.

I like the excitement and joy for the upcoming festive that is all around me. It’s all wrapping me.

The kindness they do for the season is very much inspiring. Setting good example to be followed.

But none of the above can light the darkness within me. They can’t stop the battle in my mind. Can’t provide answer to many restless questions. Giving no way out. And if I died tonight, none of those rituals might bring me to heaven.

Year by year of being the ritual participant. Fooled by the joy and excitement. Not really get the meaning. Up to the point that for some years I really lost the whole point of why I celebrate this festive.

I stood in total solitude. Staring at the tree and the cross. Feeling the suffocating emptiness. In sorrow that guilt brought for losing the meaning of Christmas.

No one can give it back to me. They can only talk about the things they believe in or what they want me to believe.

I want it back. I need it. It is my life. Finding it means finding my life.

And I guess I have to find it myself... 

November Post

Postingan blog sepanjang bulan November ini memang sengaja saya tulis hanya dalam bahasa Inggris mengingat kondisi fisik saya menurun sejak September dan baru pulih di bulan November ini. Jadi kalau biasanya saya kuat membuat draft materi blog sampai tengah malam maka bulan ini saya membatasi diri hanya sampai jam 10 malam. Membuat postingan dalam bahasa Inggris saja tentunya lebih menghemat waktu dan tenaga saya.

Selain itu ada hal-hal dalam postingan-postingan itu yang saya pikir lebih mudah mengungkapkannya dalam bahasa Inggris dari pada dalam bahasa Indonesia.

Semua yang tertulis dalam postingan bulan ini adalah mengenai berbagai macam kegundahan hati saya tapi juga mengenai bagaimana saya berhasil melewati dan mengatasinya serta dukungan, kasih dan kesabaran dari orang-orang terdekat.
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This is an explanation for the Indonesian readers the reason why every post in this month is written in English. It is because my physical condition deteriorated since September and just recovered this month. So I did not want to stay late at night to draft my blog post. I could do that until midnight but this month I just did that not later than 10 pm. It surely saved time and energy when I did not have to translate my blog transcript to English.

I also found it easier to write my thoughts in English.

Every posting I made this month is not just about my weariness but it is also about how I overcome it and how much I appreciate it to have the support and encouragement from those closest to me.

The Love You Give Me

I wouldn’t make it, I mean, I wouldn’t able to go through hardship or depression without the love of my parents and few close people.

I know I am not an easy person to be understood and sometimes I could be hard to handle. But the love from my parents and close people has always wrapped me tightly. They just never let me go. And it is strong enough to make me never completely lost my mind in hardship or in depression..

Their love..

Warms me in cold, lonely, despair days.

Enlights me in the dark moments.

Gives me courage when I find no reason to live a day.

Helps me find my way when I am lost.

Keeps me sane when I think I am losing my mind.

But most important thing is they are with me through thick and thin..

I see their love when I cried on their shoulder; when they lent their ears to hear me  unburdened my troubled soul; when they made me laugh at the time I wanted to cry; when they stick to me at the time I couldn’t appreciate their presence; when they have faith in me at the time I completely discouraged .

This is my way to say I love you guys and thank you for your love to me..

* Dedicated to my parents, my boyfriend, few beloved true friends and loving students.

Balance

Yin and yang are not opposing forces (dualities), but complementary forces, unseen (hidden, femine) and seen (manifest, masculine), that interact to form a greater whole, as part of dynamic system. Everything has both yin and yang aspects as light could not be understood if darkness didn’t exist, and shadow cannot exist without light (Wikipedia).

So yin and yang basically speak about balance. And we all need balance to keep our bodies and minds healthy.

As you can read it yourself, the entries I make this month is all about the ordeal I have been through in the past two months, physically and mentally.

I am not born as a tough person. Infact, I am easily drowned by despair, pessimism and self doubt. Life taught me to control and hide them. But sometimes they came to the surface and tried to drown me. When it happened, I tried to draw strength from religious stuff but when it failed, I turned to the closest people.

My parents naturally are always stand by my side. But there are moments when I couldn’t tell them I was having emotionally imbalance. Sometimes it was because they were physically unwell or I felt they couldn’t understand me.

The problem is I am a private person. I don’t go around telling or showing people that I was having a bad day or feeling upset. I don’t show it. I could smile, appear like a happy person at the time when I was really feeling so damn awful.

I only share my feelings or my problems to very few closest people. In the recent depression I had for two months, my boyfriend and Mrs. Martha are the only people who knew about it, apart from my parents of course.

My boyfriend's characters are very much opposite with mine. So he is balancing me.

He is an optimist. And I drew strength from his optimism. His words of consolation, advice and support encourage me. They are like a light in the darkness.

He, like most men are, is driven by logic. It makes him able to stay calm, can reason and think clearly. For me it is like a strong rock I can hold on to at times when I am going crazy by emotion, stress, depression or when everything seems crumbling.

Mrs. Martha on the other hand, posses a sharp sense of humor. She makes me able to laugh at the time I was so down and the laugh makes me feel better. She is also a positive attitude person. Her positiveness is exactly what I need to battle my negativism. She is just graduated from elementary school but she has more wisdom and sincerity than those whom I know are college graduate (yep, that’s including myself).

They, along with my parents, are giving me strength and courage, making me able to stand again and overcome depression. I would not make it without their love, support and understanding.

They balance me.

Letting Go

“You have to learn to let things go, babe, otherwise they are gonna destroy you” said my boyfriend few days ago.

He is right.

I know I have been carrying too many anger, bitterness and disappointment. They have been piling up inside of me like a volcano and two months ago they erupted.

The thing is, I don’t know how to let go the ill feelings. I just suppressing them. Denying their existence. Fooling myself by believing that I am an easy going person who would never made things complicated.

“Religious stuff can’t solve the problem” I sighed “It surely can’t soothe my feelings. How could it anyway? I have lost faith on it”.

“Look, let’s take a look at your life. It is actually getting better, right?. The bleeding has stopped for two weeks now and it makes your health improved. Work is doing ok, the bitches are not bitching you anymore, you will get the payment that has been delayed..”

“Ok. So the problems have gone away. Still...”.

“Now let go, baby” he whispered “Let go all your anger, bitterness and disappointment. They ain’t worth it”.

I take his advise to my heart and put them into practice. 

Puppet

If you wanted your daughter to behave like a lady, send her to finishing school where she could polish and be equipped with every skill and manner she needed to become a lady as the school teaches and train her with knowledge from table manner, cooking, sewing, dressing up, speaking to even to the lady way of walking.

In general speaking, this kind of school gives the girls outward polished appearance and manner. But mind if I ask if the school also do the same to their students state of mind, way of thinking, wisdom, maturity and other valuable values that is much more important any person should possess.

For some reason I feel I have been entering finishing school since I resigned from my work as kindergarten teacher. It is because the people were and are eager to make me become what they wanted me to be. They called it office policy. They said either you follow the rule or you are out.

I became what they wanted me to become. I followed their rules. I played their games.  I have since then became  polished and so am quite civilized under their standards. And with all this I pleased them so thus, I am loved and accepted by them. 

What I didn’t realize was that it also turned me as a puppet.

One day, I woke up from the trance and realized I lost myself. I didn’t know who I was  and what I wanted. I lost my way.

Depression hit me soon after that.

I am a free spirit by nature. Unfortunately this does not match to some people’s standard.

I think people care more on the outward than the inward. Fake glitter is found more amusing for them than the true beauty inward.

Few people still allow me to be completely myself as they also let themselves be just as themselves. I feel true happiness when I am with them.

But the question ‘how long should I turn myself as a puppet’ has been making me more  restless lately.

Passion

I never knew how important a passion is until I lost it.

When I worked as kindergarten teacher I knew I found my passion.

When I was given a digital camera, I knew I found  more passion in photography.

When I learned English I discovered my passion in learning foreign language.

When I write letters, diaries, blog or stories, I felt alive by the passion, knowing that I said it better in writing than in speaking.

And then depression hit me for two months. I lost all my passion or I thought I lost it all.

“Bring your camera tomorrow” a friend texted me last Saturday evening.

“What’s for? What’s the occasion?”.

“Need to take photos of Sunday school kids”.

I hesitated. I have not taken any photos for three months. There were times when I took photos everyday. Then once a week. Once a month. Then only few times in 2-3 months.

I used to have the passion. When I had it, the camera was within reach. I would take photos of anything or anyone that caught my attention. But then slowly, without myself realizing it, the passion fade away.

It is not like I lost interest on photography. It is just that as I found myself losing every faith, hope, courage and dream out of depression, I lost my passions as well.

Well, I brought my camera as requested.

“These are the names of the kids that you need to take their photos” about an hour later he came to me “I need to go out for awhile but I will be back in the afternoon”.

Say what??, I thought nervously. You gonna leave me alone to do the job?? You gotta be kidding me!!.

I didn’t say anything though. Didn’t object. Didn’t show him any sign of my  nervousness. He believed that I could do the job well while me, due to that darn  depression, have doubts. Could I do this well?. Have I still have the passion? Or have I lost the touch?.

In this recovering period from depression, I was like needing back up batteries. And having the people that I know well, people who sincerely really care for me are like having spare batteries. Just having them around me makes me feel protected and therefore I can survive anything.

Anyway, Sunday has always been busy moment for some people. So was he and my other friends.  It was not the time for me to act selfish so I took a deep breath and thought of what my  boyfriend told me, ‘Hold on. You are not going to break. You are unbreakable. Nothing and no one can break you’.

I was hoping my friend would be there by my side when I took photos of those kids but  since he couldn’t, well, I would have to do that by myself and I was not going to break by  that.

But then seeing the kids looked nervous when they faced me and my camera despite the jokes I made in order to make them feel at ease and would look natural, I thought it was actually me who felt so nervous. I was the one who took the photos, I had to look at ease infront of them, shining like a bright sun in dark cloudy day, acted as a happy person, fun and full of jokes to make them felt comfortable when they posed infront of my camera at the time I felt so damn nervous because I worried I couldn’t make good photos.  

Depression made me lost my nerve and my self-confidence. I knew I had to overcome them. I  had to pull myself back together. I must stand tall, strong and tough again but darn, it is really a battle.

A battle that I won.

I looked over those photos when I edited them in the evening. They actually are not bad. I  sighed in relief. I have not lost my touch. It is still in me. I need to bring out every positive things in me that life, people, hardship and depression have tried to suppress.

I know I will survive this. I have gone through so many hardship, some even worst than  this so if I could survive them, I certainly can survive this one.

“… it is just a phase that you have to go through lately, … just hold on, baby. You will be  okay”, said my boyfriend.

He is right.

Hold On

Depression made me lost everything I have ever believed, hoped and dreamed. Depression is a worst thing to happen to anyone. But losing what you believe, hope or dream are much worst.

“Hold on” my boyfriend whispered to me those words every morning.

He then softly sang Diana Ross song ‘If We Hold On Together’. He did that every morning as I woke up.

“Good morning, baby. Wake up, rise and shine” he woke me up “A new day has come. Hold on” and followed by singing that song.

“Arrrrghh, you can’t sing!” I laughed.

He didn’t care. He kept on singing the song. Ok, so he is not Josh Groban but he is not Mr. Frog either. Get it?. It’s not about the voice, though. It is about him coming over from his country because he worried about me and for three days of his stay, he did everything he could think of to pump up my spirit.

“Hold on, baby” he kissed me “You are a good person. Nobody and nothing can break you”.

It is exactly what I keep telling myself. Hold on. You are a good person. Nobody and nothing can break you.

It is not easy. I recently realized that small minor things could sink my spirit. A guy accidentally dropped a light bulb that I bought when he was trying to change the old light bulb. I knew about it when my colleague texted me. The next day he came to me with the box where he stored the broken light bulb and wanted to show me.

“I don’t want to see it” was my spontaneous reaction “Put it away from me. Seeing it broken would only make me sad”.

He thought I was joking but after I repeated it with a tone that said I really meant it, he knew I was serious.

But long after he left me alone in my room, I couldn’t stop thinking about my own reaction. It was just a stupid light bulb. Why would it mean so much to me?. It was not even bought by my money. So why would it mattered much like I had all my life on it??.

“Honey, what have happened to me?” I asked my boyfriend when he called me in the evening “Why on earth I have become so sensitive like that?. Am I going crazy?”.

“No, you are not” came his deep firm voice “Listen to me, you are not going crazy. It is just a phase that you have to go through lately and we have agreed that you are recovering. You pull yourself back together and things are getting better, right?”.

Yes, he is right. The bleeding  has stopped (after raging wildly for nearly two months). And though I am still battling nausea and the feeling of exhaustment but my body seems to put things in order.

“Hold on, ok” and he sang me Diana Ross song again that seems has become our anthem.

“Oh no!” I laughed and cried at the same time. Touched by his attention. Tickled by his voice. Moved by his love. Embarrassed by what I consider something unimaginable to have me, the ever tough person, would need such reassurance “Don’t sing… arrrgghh, not that song again..”.

“I love you” he said at the end of the song “Just hold on, baby. You will be okay”.

Hold on, I told that to myself and hummed Diana Ross song as I was going to bed that  night.

Labyrinth

I went to Jakarta last month and never knew I would have quite an adventure after the train I rode back to my home town Bogor had power failure that forced it to stop in Depok.  

So there I was, found myself stranded in nowhere.

Outside the train station I realized every public transportation was full because it was the time when people go home from work. So after analysed the situation I thought I had to go to the terminal to take any transportation I could get to Bogor.

A man working at the terminal told me to take this particular car. However, the driver did not give me clear answer when I asked about his route. He only ensured me that he would take me to the crossroad. Umm.., what crossroad?.. where the heck is that?. His reply was just from there I could take another transportation to Bogor.   

What choice did I have?. I felt like I was in the middle of nowhere.

We got at the crossroad. The driver pointed the road and said cross it and there should be transportation that would take me to Bogor.

It was dark already as my watch showed it was 7 pm. The information was blur. I crossed the road anyway and started to watch closely if there was any public transportation enroute to Bogor. Just as I was starting to get nervous, I saw a bus with its sign ‘Bogor’. So I got on it not knowing the route.

Two changing buses and about one and a half hour later I arrived home safely.

I would call that experience like going into a labyrinth.

Similar experience happened more than ten years ago when I went to a mall. Not for shopping. I needed to see some people from its accounting department to collect the payment for the advertisement they put on the company where I worked at that time.

On the way out I realized I couldn’t locate the entrance. It was quite embarrassing to approach the security and said ‘sir, could you show me the way to the entrance door?’. Lol.  

Another time I felt I was inside of a labyrinth is when I met two former colleagues at Plaza Indonesia. The three of us went up and down the elevator and asked for directions for more than once but still unable to locate the floor we would like to go to. We giggled our siliness and made the journey fun though at the end of it everbody felt our feet were killing us.

I think life is like a giant labyrinth. Sometimes I felt I knew where to go. Other time I found myself in nowhere. Many times I bump myself into the wall. The direction signage are all blur or simply misdirected.

Lately I feel I’m completely lost and I have to find my own way out.

Unbreakable

I was riding on the car used as public transportation that cloudy afternoon when a car honked its horn and made the driver had to pull over.

I was deeply in thought that I didn’t really pay attention to this so I could not believe my own eyes when I saw my boyfriend in that car!. He grinned broadly to me as he parked the car, approached the car I was riding, apologized to its driver, paid my fare and spread his arms to me.

“Well? Are you gonna stay in there or are you gonna ride with me?” he asked me gently.

“I am dreaming, right?” I haven’t completely came to my senses as I got off the car and let him hold my hands as we got into his car “that you’re not really here”

He pinched my arm hard. Ouch!

“You really here” I shook my head “I am not imagining. I am not going crazy. You’re really here”

“Yes baby, it is really me and I really am here” he smiled as he hugged me tightly.

And I just laughed and cried at the same time.

“What in the hell are you doing here?” I asked in between my tears “You are supposed to return after Christmas like you used to do”

“Yes but I worried about you” he replied softly “I read your blog and it just made me so worry. You never told me anything”.

“I didn’t think anyone could understand nor help”.

He sighed deeply and hugged and kissed me and caressed my back.

“You are still one heck of a stubborn woman” he whispered “What would it take to make you understand that you need to share your problems with other people”.

“They have their own problems, how could they understand or sympathize with mine?” I grumbled “Beside, they don’t really want to hear my cry for help. I could not let myself look weak or vulnerable”.

“So you have been carrying it by yourself?”.

“Yes” I sobbed “I was afraid I would go completely insane” I looked up to find his beautiful brown eyes stared warmly at me “But things have been improving lately and you are here. I know I will survive this”.

He kissed me and kissed me again as we spent few minutes in silence. Hugging each other tightly like we would never let go.

My heart just filled with warmness. I know the worst has gone. I am saved. I have survived my own darkest moments. I still don’t know what will happen to me tomorrow but I really don’t want to think about it.

“Life may try to break you, people may try to break you. Altogether they may try to break you. They can try. But you should know that you are unbreakable. You are a good person. Nobody and nothing can break you” he said this as his eyes were fixed into mine shortly before he boarded the plane “And I love you. I will return next month. I promise”.

He only stayed for three days. But those three days have uplifted my soul. My psyche and physic are slowly healing.

This crisis will soon become a past.

Gold or Brass?

I was waiting for my ride when a teenager girl with her younger brother passed me. They have just eaten all of their snacks and I saw the girl put their snacks plastic wrapper in her backpack after she realized there was no trash can nearby.

I thought ‘WOW’. I mean, really, obviously I am not the only one who ‘likes’ to carry trash when I don’t see any trash can nearby.

You would ask what is so big deal about this. Well, let me tell you that most people in south east asia don’t care too much about littering.

They throw away trash on the street, into the river, put it under the seat when they are riding on public transportation and even in public places. When ask why do they do that, their answer is same ‘there’s no trash can nearby’.

The government has placed many trash can around the city though not in public transportation.

The people, however, is too lazy to look around to find a trash can. They think since none is to be found nearby then what the hell, just throw the trash on the street, into the river, put it under the passenger seat.

It is all about mentality, people. I mean, I worked as a teacher for 6 years and we always teach the students about hygiene, health and littered. But I also see how it stuck in some but forgotten by others.

Why? That has always become my question. Why to some people, it really absorbed into their minds, attitudes and characters while totally evaporate to others?

The same question came to my head as I see people come to their worship places. In there they are taught, given, trained and heard many good values. But howcome only very few of them practice those values in real life while majority do not.

This bothers me so much that I am really left in sarcasm when people speak to me about religious matters. I mean, please, give me a break, will ya… I don’t need you to preach it,  I wanna see how you behave when you are ill or when you have problems, when things just don’t please you.. would your attitude at those hard time still synchronized with those religious words you speak to me..

Very very very rare that I see them able to act according to their beliefs.

So gold will still be gold even when it is covered in mud.

Brass? Though it is gold plating but it is still brass. Sooner or later the plating will eventually wipe away and came the real material behind it.

If you are gold, you will always be gold. You speak as gold. You behave like gold. Time, water nor fire can wore you off. Nothing can fake gold. 

But if you are brass, you remain as brass. You may try to fake it and you can fool people to believe that you are gold. Everybody can act like gold or speak like gold but remember this, you can never be gold when you are brass. The real of you will come to the surface, that’s the law of everyone’s nature.