Puppet

If you wanted your daughter to behave like a lady, send her to finishing school where she could polish and be equipped with every skill and manner she needed to become a lady as the school teaches and train her with knowledge from table manner, cooking, sewing, dressing up, speaking to even to the lady way of walking.

In general speaking, this kind of school gives the girls outward polished appearance and manner. But mind if I ask if the school also do the same to their students state of mind, way of thinking, wisdom, maturity and other valuable values that is much more important any person should possess.

For some reason I feel I have been entering finishing school since I resigned from my work as kindergarten teacher. It is because the people were and are eager to make me become what they wanted me to be. They called it office policy. They said either you follow the rule or you are out.

I became what they wanted me to become. I followed their rules. I played their games.  I have since then became  polished and so am quite civilized under their standards. And with all this I pleased them so thus, I am loved and accepted by them. 

What I didn’t realize was that it also turned me as a puppet.

One day, I woke up from the trance and realized I lost myself. I didn’t know who I was  and what I wanted. I lost my way.

Depression hit me soon after that.

I am a free spirit by nature. Unfortunately this does not match to some people’s standard.

I think people care more on the outward than the inward. Fake glitter is found more amusing for them than the true beauty inward.

Few people still allow me to be completely myself as they also let themselves be just as themselves. I feel true happiness when I am with them.

But the question ‘how long should I turn myself as a puppet’ has been making me more  restless lately.