Passion

I never knew how important a passion is until I lost it.

When I worked as kindergarten teacher I knew I found my passion.

When I was given a digital camera, I knew I found  more passion in photography.

When I learned English I discovered my passion in learning foreign language.

When I write letters, diaries, blog or stories, I felt alive by the passion, knowing that I said it better in writing than in speaking.

And then depression hit me for two months. I lost all my passion or I thought I lost it all.

“Bring your camera tomorrow” a friend texted me last Saturday evening.

“What’s for? What’s the occasion?”.

“Need to take photos of Sunday school kids”.

I hesitated. I have not taken any photos for three months. There were times when I took photos everyday. Then once a week. Once a month. Then only few times in 2-3 months.

I used to have the passion. When I had it, the camera was within reach. I would take photos of anything or anyone that caught my attention. But then slowly, without myself realizing it, the passion fade away.

It is not like I lost interest on photography. It is just that as I found myself losing every faith, hope, courage and dream out of depression, I lost my passions as well.

Well, I brought my camera as requested.

“These are the names of the kids that you need to take their photos” about an hour later he came to me “I need to go out for awhile but I will be back in the afternoon”.

Say what??, I thought nervously. You gonna leave me alone to do the job?? You gotta be kidding me!!.

I didn’t say anything though. Didn’t object. Didn’t show him any sign of my  nervousness. He believed that I could do the job well while me, due to that darn  depression, have doubts. Could I do this well?. Have I still have the passion? Or have I lost the touch?.

In this recovering period from depression, I was like needing back up batteries. And having the people that I know well, people who sincerely really care for me are like having spare batteries. Just having them around me makes me feel protected and therefore I can survive anything.

Anyway, Sunday has always been busy moment for some people. So was he and my other friends.  It was not the time for me to act selfish so I took a deep breath and thought of what my  boyfriend told me, ‘Hold on. You are not going to break. You are unbreakable. Nothing and no one can break you’.

I was hoping my friend would be there by my side when I took photos of those kids but  since he couldn’t, well, I would have to do that by myself and I was not going to break by  that.

But then seeing the kids looked nervous when they faced me and my camera despite the jokes I made in order to make them feel at ease and would look natural, I thought it was actually me who felt so nervous. I was the one who took the photos, I had to look at ease infront of them, shining like a bright sun in dark cloudy day, acted as a happy person, fun and full of jokes to make them felt comfortable when they posed infront of my camera at the time I felt so damn nervous because I worried I couldn’t make good photos.  

Depression made me lost my nerve and my self-confidence. I knew I had to overcome them. I  had to pull myself back together. I must stand tall, strong and tough again but darn, it is really a battle.

A battle that I won.

I looked over those photos when I edited them in the evening. They actually are not bad. I  sighed in relief. I have not lost my touch. It is still in me. I need to bring out every positive things in me that life, people, hardship and depression have tried to suppress.

I know I will survive this. I have gone through so many hardship, some even worst than  this so if I could survive them, I certainly can survive this one.

“… it is just a phase that you have to go through lately, … just hold on, baby. You will be  okay”, said my boyfriend.

He is right.