November Post

Postingan blog sepanjang bulan November ini memang sengaja saya tulis hanya dalam bahasa Inggris mengingat kondisi fisik saya menurun sejak September dan baru pulih di bulan November ini. Jadi kalau biasanya saya kuat membuat draft materi blog sampai tengah malam maka bulan ini saya membatasi diri hanya sampai jam 10 malam. Membuat postingan dalam bahasa Inggris saja tentunya lebih menghemat waktu dan tenaga saya.

Selain itu ada hal-hal dalam postingan-postingan itu yang saya pikir lebih mudah mengungkapkannya dalam bahasa Inggris dari pada dalam bahasa Indonesia.

Semua yang tertulis dalam postingan bulan ini adalah mengenai berbagai macam kegundahan hati saya tapi juga mengenai bagaimana saya berhasil melewati dan mengatasinya serta dukungan, kasih dan kesabaran dari orang-orang terdekat.
________________________________________

This is an explanation for the Indonesian readers the reason why every post in this month is written in English. It is because my physical condition deteriorated since September and just recovered this month. So I did not want to stay late at night to draft my blog post. I could do that until midnight but this month I just did that not later than 10 pm. It surely saved time and energy when I did not have to translate my blog transcript to English.

I also found it easier to write my thoughts in English.

Every posting I made this month is not just about my weariness but it is also about how I overcome it and how much I appreciate it to have the support and encouragement from those closest to me.

The Love You Give Me

I wouldn’t make it, I mean, I wouldn’t able to go through hardship or depression without the love of my parents and few close people.

I know I am not an easy person to be understood and sometimes I could be hard to handle. But the love from my parents and close people has always wrapped me tightly. They just never let me go. And it is strong enough to make me never completely lost my mind in hardship or in depression..

Their love..

Warms me in cold, lonely, despair days.

Enlights me in the dark moments.

Gives me courage when I find no reason to live a day.

Helps me find my way when I am lost.

Keeps me sane when I think I am losing my mind.

But most important thing is they are with me through thick and thin..

I see their love when I cried on their shoulder; when they lent their ears to hear me  unburdened my troubled soul; when they made me laugh at the time I wanted to cry; when they stick to me at the time I couldn’t appreciate their presence; when they have faith in me at the time I completely discouraged .

This is my way to say I love you guys and thank you for your love to me..

* Dedicated to my parents, my boyfriend, few beloved true friends and loving students.

Balance

Yin and yang are not opposing forces (dualities), but complementary forces, unseen (hidden, femine) and seen (manifest, masculine), that interact to form a greater whole, as part of dynamic system. Everything has both yin and yang aspects as light could not be understood if darkness didn’t exist, and shadow cannot exist without light (Wikipedia).

So yin and yang basically speak about balance. And we all need balance to keep our bodies and minds healthy.

As you can read it yourself, the entries I make this month is all about the ordeal I have been through in the past two months, physically and mentally.

I am not born as a tough person. Infact, I am easily drowned by despair, pessimism and self doubt. Life taught me to control and hide them. But sometimes they came to the surface and tried to drown me. When it happened, I tried to draw strength from religious stuff but when it failed, I turned to the closest people.

My parents naturally are always stand by my side. But there are moments when I couldn’t tell them I was having emotionally imbalance. Sometimes it was because they were physically unwell or I felt they couldn’t understand me.

The problem is I am a private person. I don’t go around telling or showing people that I was having a bad day or feeling upset. I don’t show it. I could smile, appear like a happy person at the time when I was really feeling so damn awful.

I only share my feelings or my problems to very few closest people. In the recent depression I had for two months, my boyfriend and Mrs. Martha are the only people who knew about it, apart from my parents of course.

My boyfriend's characters are very much opposite with mine. So he is balancing me.

He is an optimist. And I drew strength from his optimism. His words of consolation, advice and support encourage me. They are like a light in the darkness.

He, like most men are, is driven by logic. It makes him able to stay calm, can reason and think clearly. For me it is like a strong rock I can hold on to at times when I am going crazy by emotion, stress, depression or when everything seems crumbling.

Mrs. Martha on the other hand, posses a sharp sense of humor. She makes me able to laugh at the time I was so down and the laugh makes me feel better. She is also a positive attitude person. Her positiveness is exactly what I need to battle my negativism. She is just graduated from elementary school but she has more wisdom and sincerity than those whom I know are college graduate (yep, that’s including myself).

They, along with my parents, are giving me strength and courage, making me able to stand again and overcome depression. I would not make it without their love, support and understanding.

They balance me.

Letting Go

“You have to learn to let things go, babe, otherwise they are gonna destroy you” said my boyfriend few days ago.

He is right.

I know I have been carrying too many anger, bitterness and disappointment. They have been piling up inside of me like a volcano and two months ago they erupted.

The thing is, I don’t know how to let go the ill feelings. I just suppressing them. Denying their existence. Fooling myself by believing that I am an easy going person who would never made things complicated.

“Religious stuff can’t solve the problem” I sighed “It surely can’t soothe my feelings. How could it anyway? I have lost faith on it”.

“Look, let’s take a look at your life. It is actually getting better, right?. The bleeding has stopped for two weeks now and it makes your health improved. Work is doing ok, the bitches are not bitching you anymore, you will get the payment that has been delayed..”

“Ok. So the problems have gone away. Still...”.

“Now let go, baby” he whispered “Let go all your anger, bitterness and disappointment. They ain’t worth it”.

I take his advise to my heart and put them into practice. 

Puppet

If you wanted your daughter to behave like a lady, send her to finishing school where she could polish and be equipped with every skill and manner she needed to become a lady as the school teaches and train her with knowledge from table manner, cooking, sewing, dressing up, speaking to even to the lady way of walking.

In general speaking, this kind of school gives the girls outward polished appearance and manner. But mind if I ask if the school also do the same to their students state of mind, way of thinking, wisdom, maturity and other valuable values that is much more important any person should possess.

For some reason I feel I have been entering finishing school since I resigned from my work as kindergarten teacher. It is because the people were and are eager to make me become what they wanted me to be. They called it office policy. They said either you follow the rule or you are out.

I became what they wanted me to become. I followed their rules. I played their games.  I have since then became  polished and so am quite civilized under their standards. And with all this I pleased them so thus, I am loved and accepted by them. 

What I didn’t realize was that it also turned me as a puppet.

One day, I woke up from the trance and realized I lost myself. I didn’t know who I was  and what I wanted. I lost my way.

Depression hit me soon after that.

I am a free spirit by nature. Unfortunately this does not match to some people’s standard.

I think people care more on the outward than the inward. Fake glitter is found more amusing for them than the true beauty inward.

Few people still allow me to be completely myself as they also let themselves be just as themselves. I feel true happiness when I am with them.

But the question ‘how long should I turn myself as a puppet’ has been making me more  restless lately.

Passion

I never knew how important a passion is until I lost it.

When I worked as kindergarten teacher I knew I found my passion.

When I was given a digital camera, I knew I found  more passion in photography.

When I learned English I discovered my passion in learning foreign language.

When I write letters, diaries, blog or stories, I felt alive by the passion, knowing that I said it better in writing than in speaking.

And then depression hit me for two months. I lost all my passion or I thought I lost it all.

“Bring your camera tomorrow” a friend texted me last Saturday evening.

“What’s for? What’s the occasion?”.

“Need to take photos of Sunday school kids”.

I hesitated. I have not taken any photos for three months. There were times when I took photos everyday. Then once a week. Once a month. Then only few times in 2-3 months.

I used to have the passion. When I had it, the camera was within reach. I would take photos of anything or anyone that caught my attention. But then slowly, without myself realizing it, the passion fade away.

It is not like I lost interest on photography. It is just that as I found myself losing every faith, hope, courage and dream out of depression, I lost my passions as well.

Well, I brought my camera as requested.

“These are the names of the kids that you need to take their photos” about an hour later he came to me “I need to go out for awhile but I will be back in the afternoon”.

Say what??, I thought nervously. You gonna leave me alone to do the job?? You gotta be kidding me!!.

I didn’t say anything though. Didn’t object. Didn’t show him any sign of my  nervousness. He believed that I could do the job well while me, due to that darn  depression, have doubts. Could I do this well?. Have I still have the passion? Or have I lost the touch?.

In this recovering period from depression, I was like needing back up batteries. And having the people that I know well, people who sincerely really care for me are like having spare batteries. Just having them around me makes me feel protected and therefore I can survive anything.

Anyway, Sunday has always been busy moment for some people. So was he and my other friends.  It was not the time for me to act selfish so I took a deep breath and thought of what my  boyfriend told me, ‘Hold on. You are not going to break. You are unbreakable. Nothing and no one can break you’.

I was hoping my friend would be there by my side when I took photos of those kids but  since he couldn’t, well, I would have to do that by myself and I was not going to break by  that.

But then seeing the kids looked nervous when they faced me and my camera despite the jokes I made in order to make them feel at ease and would look natural, I thought it was actually me who felt so nervous. I was the one who took the photos, I had to look at ease infront of them, shining like a bright sun in dark cloudy day, acted as a happy person, fun and full of jokes to make them felt comfortable when they posed infront of my camera at the time I felt so damn nervous because I worried I couldn’t make good photos.  

Depression made me lost my nerve and my self-confidence. I knew I had to overcome them. I  had to pull myself back together. I must stand tall, strong and tough again but darn, it is really a battle.

A battle that I won.

I looked over those photos when I edited them in the evening. They actually are not bad. I  sighed in relief. I have not lost my touch. It is still in me. I need to bring out every positive things in me that life, people, hardship and depression have tried to suppress.

I know I will survive this. I have gone through so many hardship, some even worst than  this so if I could survive them, I certainly can survive this one.

“… it is just a phase that you have to go through lately, … just hold on, baby. You will be  okay”, said my boyfriend.

He is right.

Hold On

Depression made me lost everything I have ever believed, hoped and dreamed. Depression is a worst thing to happen to anyone. But losing what you believe, hope or dream are much worst.

“Hold on” my boyfriend whispered to me those words every morning.

He then softly sang Diana Ross song ‘If We Hold On Together’. He did that every morning as I woke up.

“Good morning, baby. Wake up, rise and shine” he woke me up “A new day has come. Hold on” and followed by singing that song.

“Arrrrghh, you can’t sing!” I laughed.

He didn’t care. He kept on singing the song. Ok, so he is not Josh Groban but he is not Mr. Frog either. Get it?. It’s not about the voice, though. It is about him coming over from his country because he worried about me and for three days of his stay, he did everything he could think of to pump up my spirit.

“Hold on, baby” he kissed me “You are a good person. Nobody and nothing can break you”.

It is exactly what I keep telling myself. Hold on. You are a good person. Nobody and nothing can break you.

It is not easy. I recently realized that small minor things could sink my spirit. A guy accidentally dropped a light bulb that I bought when he was trying to change the old light bulb. I knew about it when my colleague texted me. The next day he came to me with the box where he stored the broken light bulb and wanted to show me.

“I don’t want to see it” was my spontaneous reaction “Put it away from me. Seeing it broken would only make me sad”.

He thought I was joking but after I repeated it with a tone that said I really meant it, he knew I was serious.

But long after he left me alone in my room, I couldn’t stop thinking about my own reaction. It was just a stupid light bulb. Why would it mean so much to me?. It was not even bought by my money. So why would it mattered much like I had all my life on it??.

“Honey, what have happened to me?” I asked my boyfriend when he called me in the evening “Why on earth I have become so sensitive like that?. Am I going crazy?”.

“No, you are not” came his deep firm voice “Listen to me, you are not going crazy. It is just a phase that you have to go through lately and we have agreed that you are recovering. You pull yourself back together and things are getting better, right?”.

Yes, he is right. The bleeding  has stopped (after raging wildly for nearly two months). And though I am still battling nausea and the feeling of exhaustment but my body seems to put things in order.

“Hold on, ok” and he sang me Diana Ross song again that seems has become our anthem.

“Oh no!” I laughed and cried at the same time. Touched by his attention. Tickled by his voice. Moved by his love. Embarrassed by what I consider something unimaginable to have me, the ever tough person, would need such reassurance “Don’t sing… arrrgghh, not that song again..”.

“I love you” he said at the end of the song “Just hold on, baby. You will be okay”.

Hold on, I told that to myself and hummed Diana Ross song as I was going to bed that  night.

Labyrinth

I went to Jakarta last month and never knew I would have quite an adventure after the train I rode back to my home town Bogor had power failure that forced it to stop in Depok.  

So there I was, found myself stranded in nowhere.

Outside the train station I realized every public transportation was full because it was the time when people go home from work. So after analysed the situation I thought I had to go to the terminal to take any transportation I could get to Bogor.

A man working at the terminal told me to take this particular car. However, the driver did not give me clear answer when I asked about his route. He only ensured me that he would take me to the crossroad. Umm.., what crossroad?.. where the heck is that?. His reply was just from there I could take another transportation to Bogor.   

What choice did I have?. I felt like I was in the middle of nowhere.

We got at the crossroad. The driver pointed the road and said cross it and there should be transportation that would take me to Bogor.

It was dark already as my watch showed it was 7 pm. The information was blur. I crossed the road anyway and started to watch closely if there was any public transportation enroute to Bogor. Just as I was starting to get nervous, I saw a bus with its sign ‘Bogor’. So I got on it not knowing the route.

Two changing buses and about one and a half hour later I arrived home safely.

I would call that experience like going into a labyrinth.

Similar experience happened more than ten years ago when I went to a mall. Not for shopping. I needed to see some people from its accounting department to collect the payment for the advertisement they put on the company where I worked at that time.

On the way out I realized I couldn’t locate the entrance. It was quite embarrassing to approach the security and said ‘sir, could you show me the way to the entrance door?’. Lol.  

Another time I felt I was inside of a labyrinth is when I met two former colleagues at Plaza Indonesia. The three of us went up and down the elevator and asked for directions for more than once but still unable to locate the floor we would like to go to. We giggled our siliness and made the journey fun though at the end of it everbody felt our feet were killing us.

I think life is like a giant labyrinth. Sometimes I felt I knew where to go. Other time I found myself in nowhere. Many times I bump myself into the wall. The direction signage are all blur or simply misdirected.

Lately I feel I’m completely lost and I have to find my own way out.

Unbreakable

I was riding on the car used as public transportation that cloudy afternoon when a car honked its horn and made the driver had to pull over.

I was deeply in thought that I didn’t really pay attention to this so I could not believe my own eyes when I saw my boyfriend in that car!. He grinned broadly to me as he parked the car, approached the car I was riding, apologized to its driver, paid my fare and spread his arms to me.

“Well? Are you gonna stay in there or are you gonna ride with me?” he asked me gently.

“I am dreaming, right?” I haven’t completely came to my senses as I got off the car and let him hold my hands as we got into his car “that you’re not really here”

He pinched my arm hard. Ouch!

“You really here” I shook my head “I am not imagining. I am not going crazy. You’re really here”

“Yes baby, it is really me and I really am here” he smiled as he hugged me tightly.

And I just laughed and cried at the same time.

“What in the hell are you doing here?” I asked in between my tears “You are supposed to return after Christmas like you used to do”

“Yes but I worried about you” he replied softly “I read your blog and it just made me so worry. You never told me anything”.

“I didn’t think anyone could understand nor help”.

He sighed deeply and hugged and kissed me and caressed my back.

“You are still one heck of a stubborn woman” he whispered “What would it take to make you understand that you need to share your problems with other people”.

“They have their own problems, how could they understand or sympathize with mine?” I grumbled “Beside, they don’t really want to hear my cry for help. I could not let myself look weak or vulnerable”.

“So you have been carrying it by yourself?”.

“Yes” I sobbed “I was afraid I would go completely insane” I looked up to find his beautiful brown eyes stared warmly at me “But things have been improving lately and you are here. I know I will survive this”.

He kissed me and kissed me again as we spent few minutes in silence. Hugging each other tightly like we would never let go.

My heart just filled with warmness. I know the worst has gone. I am saved. I have survived my own darkest moments. I still don’t know what will happen to me tomorrow but I really don’t want to think about it.

“Life may try to break you, people may try to break you. Altogether they may try to break you. They can try. But you should know that you are unbreakable. You are a good person. Nobody and nothing can break you” he said this as his eyes were fixed into mine shortly before he boarded the plane “And I love you. I will return next month. I promise”.

He only stayed for three days. But those three days have uplifted my soul. My psyche and physic are slowly healing.

This crisis will soon become a past.

Gold or Brass?

I was waiting for my ride when a teenager girl with her younger brother passed me. They have just eaten all of their snacks and I saw the girl put their snacks plastic wrapper in her backpack after she realized there was no trash can nearby.

I thought ‘WOW’. I mean, really, obviously I am not the only one who ‘likes’ to carry trash when I don’t see any trash can nearby.

You would ask what is so big deal about this. Well, let me tell you that most people in south east asia don’t care too much about littering.

They throw away trash on the street, into the river, put it under the seat when they are riding on public transportation and even in public places. When ask why do they do that, their answer is same ‘there’s no trash can nearby’.

The government has placed many trash can around the city though not in public transportation.

The people, however, is too lazy to look around to find a trash can. They think since none is to be found nearby then what the hell, just throw the trash on the street, into the river, put it under the passenger seat.

It is all about mentality, people. I mean, I worked as a teacher for 6 years and we always teach the students about hygiene, health and littered. But I also see how it stuck in some but forgotten by others.

Why? That has always become my question. Why to some people, it really absorbed into their minds, attitudes and characters while totally evaporate to others?

The same question came to my head as I see people come to their worship places. In there they are taught, given, trained and heard many good values. But howcome only very few of them practice those values in real life while majority do not.

This bothers me so much that I am really left in sarcasm when people speak to me about religious matters. I mean, please, give me a break, will ya… I don’t need you to preach it,  I wanna see how you behave when you are ill or when you have problems, when things just don’t please you.. would your attitude at those hard time still synchronized with those religious words you speak to me..

Very very very rare that I see them able to act according to their beliefs.

So gold will still be gold even when it is covered in mud.

Brass? Though it is gold plating but it is still brass. Sooner or later the plating will eventually wipe away and came the real material behind it.

If you are gold, you will always be gold. You speak as gold. You behave like gold. Time, water nor fire can wore you off. Nothing can fake gold. 

But if you are brass, you remain as brass. You may try to fake it and you can fool people to believe that you are gold. Everybody can act like gold or speak like gold but remember this, you can never be gold when you are brass. The real of you will come to the surface, that’s the law of everyone’s nature.

Super Woman?

What have I achieved that makes me deserve to be called a super woman?, I smiled in irony as the thought of how I was still pretty much battling my depression came to my mind.

 I have so many dreams, hopes and ambitions that I have not even achieved one fourth of them and time doesn’t make me any younger. Damn!.. would this means that I be counted as one of those people who do great things in their 50s, 60s or even 80s?

Not achieving anything but have already forced to sacrifice the thing I love most, the passion that made me felt alive. The sense of destiny that I had sought for many years.  The purpose of life that I no longer have the day I sacrificed it for money..

I am angry to myself. Disappointed. Feel like a failure. I hate myself. I am disgusted to myself. I felt like a pathetic creature.

My personal life seems to have the same pattern. As long as my parents still depend on me financially, how could I accept my boyfriend’s plea that I live with him in his country?.  I can’t and I will not allow him to support my parents. If I come to live in with him, he will have to support me financially as I will be off job for a year or so. He has accept this as the consequence for his desire to have me live with him. But supporting my parents are another thing. I learned one painful lesson that money is a sensitive issue. One guy whom once said he loved me, could treat me so bad over money issue and I broke up with him because of it.  After that I swore to myself that I will never let it happen again.

So I have been drowning in frustration since September and it affected my menstrual cycle. The bleeding goes nearly non stop for two months that I had to see a gynecologist few weeks ago. Ultrasonographic showed that my uterus and ovaries are doing just fine.

They are doing fine but not my psyche.

You see, I rarely got into depression but when it happens, it could go bloody awful.

I felt no one could help me. I had to help myself.

The medicine the doctor gave me helped a little to make the bleeding ceased but the side effect made me felt like a zombie. It sucked every energy I had left in my body that everytime I have got home from work, I had no energy left to even open my mouth to speak so I just took a bath, had light dinner as I lost my appetite (every food and drink tasted bitter, one of the medicine’s side effect) and just went to bed after that.

I stopped taking the medicine after two days realizing that I couldn’t take its side effect. But its chemical effect stayed in my body for probably a week and so I spent the days  seriously felt I just wanted to die so the pain and sorrow would end.

Every night I went to bed wishing that I did not have to wake up in the morning.

Every morning I woke up asking myself why did I have to wake up and lived the day.

However, during this time, I amazingly could function pretty well at work. I even behaved normally. No one suspected I was in the middle of mentally and physically crisis.

I am recovering now. It has been three days now that I feel my mind and my body are working, well, I could say almost back to normal. Though in one of those days I nearly fainted in the morning and in the other day I had bad headache. I think it caused by my blood pressure that dropped low. But I am on the way to get better. I don’t care if it goes slow. I want and need to, heck, I must overcome this.

So, would all the things I recently had to endure making me deserve to be called a super woman?

Geez,.. people, all I know is I have got to get myself out of this s**t hole.

Stressed? Who? Me?

The stuff in here looks ok, said the doctor whom I went to see yesterday.

I looked at the images shown on the screen, …. yeah, they did look ok to me too. So what in the hell that making me been having this bleeding for two months?.

Are you taking any medicine? Or are you under a treatment?, he asked.

The only thing I have been taking is just vitamin.

So you probably are just having stress.

Really? Me? Stress?

Come on, doc.

Why would I get stressed?

Let’s see…,

Well, I am forty one and I have not even accomplished one fourth of my dreams; but I have already sacrificed the passion that have always making me feel good about myself-the one that I always thought as my call and my destiny,.. I sacrificed it all for money.

Tell me again, doc, why should I get stressed?..

I have been supporting my parents for seventeen years now. I always have mix feelings about them. I love them but I also hate them. I need them but I want to run away from them. I have their support but there is this ever present feeling that they have seen and treated me like money maker. I hate myself for being unable to give them what they need. I hate myself for being their only nice dedicated child. At the end, I just hate everything and everyone. Many times I wish I would just disappear. If problems would not disappear and they wouldn’t either, then let me be the one who disappear so I won’t feel what I feel anymore and the anger, pain, hatred, disappointment will stop. 

Do you call this stress, doc?  Let me tell you what stress is ..

I have a man who loves me for four years. And though we don’t know where this relationship is heading to I desperately want to be there with him, I would leave everything behind to stay with him, to have a new start, to free myself of the responsibility to work for money, to find my passion, to restore my faith, to re-discover my call.

But if I were to leave and stay with him, who is going to feed my parents?. Ask my boyfriend to send them money? Yeah, right...

So who’s been having stress anyway, doc?..

I met a guy whom I thought was in love with me. He showed every sign of it but denied it when I asked him. So I misunderstood it, I concluded, ok, that’s fine. Let’s just be friends then. And for a month or so he behaved normally as I accepted him as a friend, a good buddy, another few of my trusted person in this place. But not so long ago he repeated his old behavior. I shook my head in disbelief, out of agitation and feeling completely uncomfortable. Damn it, are you playing games?. Is it a joke on me?.

“Forget about him” Mrs. Martha whom I came to for motherly advice, looked so concern “I don’t want to see you so upset like this. It affects your health. So he probably nice, smart and has many talents but he is just lousy when it comes to personal relationship. So don’t let him crushed your peace of mind and happiness”.

She is right, of course. But saying the words are easy than done. As long as I am still here, I have to meet him on daily basis and it makes my desire to leave become bigger. But the doors are closed. Leaving me spend day after day in agony.

I think I have kept some anger toward him. I just wanted to scream it out loud, if you don’t meant it, then you better leave me alone! Simply accept that I belong to someone else.

Get the picture, doc?... tell me again, who’s been having stress anyway?

What? Of the people masquerading themselves in this place? Talk like angels. Behave like saints. But in hardship, came the real wolves howling and took me as their prey. The bitches with haloes, that’s how I called them. Yes, they are pretty much exist in this place. No different with other places. Making me wonder what good does it bring to them having hearing and reading those scriptures every week?. Is it all just lip service? Skin deep understanding?. Who are they trying to fool anyway?

Haven’t got all in the frame, doc?

The pieces are scattered. That is how I feel about myself lately. Everything I ever believed is not in me anymore. The things I used to hold on are broken. And I just don’t know how to put them back into the frame. I am losing myself. Broken and scattered into pieces.

You are wrong, doc, I am not stressed. I am losing my sanity.

There are other people in much worst condition than mine. Yes, I know about this fact. I should count my blessings. But I can’t right now. It is not curing me. It does not solve my psyche problem.

The thing is, doc, you can cure my body but not my mind.

The cure is when I can do things that I feel this is why I was born into the world. To make a different. To feel sincere acceptance as myself. Not just being needed and wanted because I could set a date for a choir, type a letter, do book keeping.. what kind of satisfaction do I get for myself for doing stuff like that? What have I achieved by pleasing everyone?. To do the service for God? Oh please, go f**k yourself if you think you could make me feel better by giving me this excuse.

Can’t you just see, doc? I am falling apart. I am angry to myself, disappointed of myself. I don’t know how could I get into this s**t hole. I am drifting apart. I am torn apart. And I just don’t know how to pull myself together.

Anger used to give me strength. But this time, it is destroying me inside.

The prescribed medicine you gave, doc, I am certain they can stop the bleeding. But I wonder if they can also stop these negative thoughts from flooding my mind.

Now I know that the worst thing you and I can get is not the hardship, it is the losing of optimism and faith.

Come to me again if the bleeding persists after you take all the medicine. Geez, I knew this would be our first and last meeting, doc.

But who should I go to now? Who would embrace me and tell me it is alright to feel down like this? Who would let me unafraid to show that I am not strong, that I feel scared, lonely, lost and confused?. Everyone thinks I am sort of a ball that will always bouncing up when pressed down. People, life and even God think they can throw anything to me and I wouldn’t get any objection.

So you have faith in your medicine, doc, that’s good for you. I don’t have any faith anymore.. and that’s horrible..

I am not asking for any advice. I am not expecting you to symphatise either. This is my blog. My diary. I write anything I want. Unburdened myself in the way I could never do in real life. My smile, my laugh, my soft spoken voice and my daily performance are not revealing the restlessness I feel inside.

I may not know you and you may not know me, plus, we probably never met each other but every living human on earth has his/her restlessness. That is what we all have in common.

So doc, thank you for your time, good day and hope not to see you again because I do not plan of getting sick forever.