Letter for Mama

Hai mama, hari ini sudah dua puluh hari sejak mama pergi..

Hi mama, it has been twenty days since you left..

Semuanya berubah. Ya, rumah masih tetap sama tapi suasananya berubah. Pastilah. Kan sekarang jadi tinggal papa sama Keke.

Everything changes. Well, the house is still the same but it's not the same. Of course it is. There's just me and papa now.

Kalau dulu Keke malas pulang ke rumah, sampai rumah di atas jam lima atau malah hampir jam tujuh, senang nginap di rumah siapa aja yang lagi Keke mau inapin.. sekarang Keke bawaannya pengen cepet pulang, begitu jam 4 sore dari kantor langsung pulang, ga mau kemana-mana dan memang ga bisa keluyuran sih karena empat hari seminggu jam 5 sore anak-anak yang mau les sudah datang ke rumah.

In the past I didn't feel like going home, I got home after five or even at almost seven, I liked to stay over at people's places.. now I want to get home asap, I go straight home at 4 pm from work, not hang around and can't anyway because the kids come to the house at five pm for their tutoring.

Hari-hari bebas les pun Keke ogah kemana-mana. Kangen papa, ga mau dia sendirian kelamaan di rumah. Keke hilang selera buat lama-lama di kantor, ogah jalan-jalan window shopping, malas pergi nongki-nongki makan di luar, nonton atau ngemall.

Even in the days when I don't have any tutoring I still don't feel like going anywhere. I miss papa, I don't want to leave him all alone in the house for too long. I lost the mood to stay in the office, I don't feel like going on window shopping nor hang around, go eat somewhere, go to the movie or to the mall.

Mama, Keke kangen banget sama mama..

Mama, I miss you so much..

Rumah berasa kosong sejak mama ga ada.

The house feels empty since you left.

Tapi Keke tetap lebih pengen ada di rumah. Di rumah Keke berasa mama ada. Keke bisa ngobrol sama mama.. Keke ga berasa sendiri, ga kesepian.

Still, I want to be at home. I feel your presence at home, mama. I can talk to you when I'm at home. I don't feel alone nor lonely.

Ah mama, seandainya aja Keke tahu semua yang kita bertiga harapkan, doakan dan imankan ternyata akhirannya jadi begini.. Keke ga akan repot-repot dan ngotot meyakini semua itu. Dari pada ngebuang waktu, emosi dan tenaga buat sesuatu yang tidak akan terjadi kan lebih baik kita lebih sering menghabiskan waktu bersama.

Ah mama, if only I knew the things the three of us hoped, prayed and had faith in would end this way.. I wouldn't bother to believe in those things. Instead of wasting time, emotion and energy for something that never happened we would better spend more time together.

Semua bilang itu untuk yang terbaik. Mama terbebas dari penderitaan, tidak lagi harus hidup dalam badan yang bukan cuma tua karena umur tapi juga disiksa dengan berbagai penyakit.

Everyone said it was for the best. You were freed of pain, no longer had to live in the body torn not only by age but also by many illness. 

Keke tahu sembuh itu mungkin mustahil terjadi, jadi karena itu Keke berdoa, minta, memohon, mengimankan, mengharapkan, meyakini dan berusaha sekuat tenaga supaya kita bisa bawa mama berobat supaya bisa setidak-tidaknya meringankan penderitaan fisik mama tapi sampai tanggal 31 Desember kita tidak bisa kasih mama pengobatan dan dokter terbaik yang bisa dibeli sama uang.

I knew complete healing was probably impossible so that was why I prayed, asked, begged, had faith, and tried as hard as I could for us to at least eased your physical condition but until 31 December we still couldn't give you the best medication and doctor money could buy.

Kalau memang akhirannya harus seperti ini, mama, Keke rela. Kalau mama jadi terbebas dari segala rasa sakit dan penderitaan, Keke rela. Kalau mama jadi bahagia, Keke rela.

It's okay with me if it had to end like this, mama. It's okay with me if it freed you of pain and misery. It's okay with me if it makes you happy.

Yang masih susah Keke terima adalah tidak tahu batas hidupmu cuma sampai tanggal 31 Desember 2016, mama.

What I still find hard to accept is not knowing that you would live not passed 31 December, mama.

Kita bahkan tidak sempat bilang apa pun, mama. Kematian itu datang tidak terduga dan cepat sekali. Waktu dokter UGD itu bilang dia tidak dengar bunyi detak jantungmu, waktu hasil print out EKG nunjukkin garis lurus, waktu dokter itu bilang mama sudah tidak ada..

We didn't get a chance to say anything, mama. Death came unexpectedly and so soon. When the ER doctor said she didn't hear your heart beat, when the ECG print out showed flat line, when she said you have passed away..

Keke dan papa tidak mau percaya. 

Papa and I didn't want to believe it.

Rasanya baru beberapa menit lalu mama masih ada, masih terbatuk-batuk dan berjuang buat napas, masih sempat buka mata waktu kita ada di mobil dalam perjalanan ke rumah sakit.. dan sekarang dokter itu bilang mama sudah ga ada??

It seemed it was just few minutes ago when you were still alive, coughing hardly and struggled to breath, you opened your eyes when we were in the car while we were on the way to the hospital.. and now that doctor said you were gone??

Kalau saja Keke tahu hidupmu cuma sampai tanggal 31 Desember itu.. 

If only I knew your life would end on that 31 December..

Ada begitu banyak hal yang Keke tidak bilang ke mama; bahwa Keke sayang banget ke mama, melebihi dari sayang Keke ke diri sendiri. Keke kerja dobel; kerja kantor juga, nyambi ngajar les juga, ngajar lagi di TK.. semua bukan karena Keke gila kerja atau karena matre. Keke kerja itu supaya ada uang buat mama berobat, apa pun yang mama minta pasti Keke kasih, apa pun supaya mama jadi sembuh atau setidaknya bisa berasa badan jadi lebih enak, supaya mama dan juga papa senang.

There are things that I didn't say to you; that I love you so much, more than I love myself. I do double jobs; work at the office, tutoring and teach again in kindergarten.. it's not because I'm workaholic nor for materialistic reason. I work so there's money for your medication, I'd give you anything you ask, anything to make you heal or at least to make you feel better, to make you and papa happy.

Tapi pekerjaan juga nyedot banyak tenaga, waktu dan emosi Keke. Mama tahu sendiri kan kalau sudah sore Keke sudah teler kecapean, Keke ngurung diri di kamar. Kalau ngambil cuti atau ada hari libur, Keke malah pergi jalan-jalan.

But work takes lots of my energy, time and emotion. You knew it yourself I was drained out in the evening, I locked myself in my room. When I took my leave or on public holiday, I used it to go traveling.

Kalau saja Keke tahu hidupmu cuma sampai tanggal 31 Desember itu.. biar badan sudah gempor kecapean, Keke pasti akan habisin waktu sama mama supaya kita bisa ngobrol, peluk-peluk, sayang-sayangan sepanjang malam dan Keke ga akan begitu terobsesi sama traveling atau pacar atau blog.

Papa, me & mama. 1972

1979 or 1980. My mama & my sister are in heaven now

1989

If only I knew your life would end on that 31 December.. I would spend the time with you despite the physical exhaustment, so we could talk, hug, cuddled all night and I wouldn't be that obsessed with traveling or boyfriend or blog.

I miss moments like this when she wasn't as sick, weak & fragile as she was in her last years..

Mereka bilang kalau kita tahu segala sesuatu yang akan terjadi dalam dunia ini, tidak akan ada penyesalan..

They said if we knew what would happen in this world then there wouldn't be regrets..

Papa, yang lebih banyak menghabiskan waktu denganmu, mama, so yang seharusnya lebih terpukul dan lebih kehilangan, malah kelihatan lebih tabah dan lebih bisa menerima dengan imannya yang luar biasa itu. 

You and papa have alwaysbeen  proud of me. Here the two of you in my office. Jakarta, 1998

You and papa liked to bake cakes for christmas, new year or birthdays

This was taken on your birthday, 5 December 2016.
No birthday cake but we were happy. You were healthy & so happy.
We were grateful for your 82nd birthday.

Papa, who spent more time with you so who should take this hard and misses you more, appears to be stronger and more receptive with his amazing faith.

Beda sama Keke. Penyesalannya segudang. Banyak hal yang Keke ga bisa terima.

It's so different with me. I've got tons of regret. I can't accept so many things.

Keke banyak berubah setelah tanggal 31 Desember itu, mama. Keke ga bisa dan ga mau tidur di kamar karena setiap kali sendiri segala macam pikiran dan kesedihan itu datang lagi. Jadi Keke dan papa sepakat buat mindahin kasur Keke ke ruang tamu. Ga masalah deh Keke tidur di lantai, yang penting di situ Keke ga berasa sendiri karena kan dekat papa.

I have changed a lot since that 31 December, mama. I can't and won't sleep in my room because whenever I'm alone I think about many things and that sadness came back to me. So papa and I agreed to move my mattress to the livingroom. It doesn't matter that I sleep on the floor, most important thing is I don't feel lonely there because I've got papa nearby.

Tiga hari setelah pemakamanmu, mama, Keke harus kembali kerja. Aduh, berat rasanya. Selama hampir seminggu papa ikut ke kantor dan temenin Keke. Kita kasih alasan; kasihan papa sendirian di rumah. Tapi sebetulnya Keke yang ga bisa sendirian di kantor. Bukan cuma susah konsen, Keke maunya nangis melulu. Repot kan. Bisa kacau kerjaan kalau Keke nya kayak gitu.

I had to go back to work three days after your funeral, mama. That was so hard for me. For almost a week papa came to me to the office. The official excuse is it is better for papa to come along than staying alone in the house. But it was actually me who couldn't be alone in the office. It was not just making me hard to concentrate, it made me wanted to just cry and cry. Now how could I work when I was like that?

Sekarang sih Keke sudah bisa ada di kantor sendiri tapi tidur masih belum bisa di kamar. Repot sih jadinya kalau anak-anak les datang. Itu kasur harus Keke pinggirin. Kelar les, kasur digeret lagi. Anak-anak les sih ga ada yang pada protes atau nanya. Mereka sudah tahu kenapa kasur itu ada di ruang tamu karena waktu mereka datang bareng mama-mamanya buat ngucapin belasungkawa, Keke sudah cerita. Sukur deh mereka maklum. Malah sesudahnya ada timbul semacam keakraban dan rasa kekeluargaan yang sebelumnya ga ada.

I can see papa & this calm me down.

I can now stay in the office alone but I still can't sleep in my room. It is quite a thing when the kids come for their tutoring. I must move that mattress before and after the tutoring. Good thing they never protest or ask about it. They already knew why it is there in the livingroom because I have told them when they came with their mothers to say their condolances. They understand. Infact there is sort of closeness and the feelings of we're family that just recently bonding between us.

With one of my tutoring student & her dog. Photo taken on Thursday, 26 January 2017

Untung juga jarang ada yang datang bertamu. Kalau ga, bisa pada bingung lihat ada kasur bertakhta di ruang tamu dan repot juga kita harus mondar-mandir menggeser kasur itu.

Good thing visitors are rare. If not, they would be puzzled to see a mattress in the livingroom and it would trouble us to move that mattress.

Yah, mama, banyak hal berubah setelah mama ga ada. Hal-hal yang dulu ga ada artinya, sekarang jadi sangat berarti. Yang dulu gampang bikin Keke uring-uringan, sekarang hampir ga ada artinya.

Ah mama, many things change after you're gone. Things that really meaningless in the past now become mattered. Things that easily upset me now are less mattered.